testing out a theory

Ok I am gonna put on the kiddie gloves and walk gingerly into this post for fear of yet another blog discovery by a potential suitor.

I am going to the farm tomorrow. I will be meeting his family and seeing him in his element. Seeing him in his element is very important at this time. I need to see that it’s okay that he gets pedicures to relieve his working man farm feet of dry skin. I need to see that his passion for Nicholas Sparks’ novels is to offset the slaughtering of cows; I need to see that the Lionel Richie Cd's are to ease his mind after a long hard day of harvesting and roping cattle. The elements are gonna play in his favor, I just know it. Sarah has told me in the past that I need to be more dainty and lady-like with my men. Maybe this is the universe saying that I am not supposed to be the one getting manicures and reading romance novels. Maybe I am supposed to continue to wrestle at parties, head butt my guy friends and continue to use a pair of scissors and a red sharpie to touch up my pedicure from six months ago. Maybe I am supposed to wear the pants in the family and let my man pick daisies while I go hammer up some drywall. In my world, Lionel Richie is the dad of Paris Hilton’s BFF and Message in a Bottle and The Notebook got returned to the Red Box promptly on the due date.

Hmmmm it’s an interesting theory....I will let you know how it goes when I return.

 

fix it and forget it

Well I am in a whirlwind of crazy, but in a good way this time. This country boy, Will, has got me cracking up at his ways. He says what he means and means what he says, no filter needed. We had a great time at the game, met a lot of nice people in the suite. Most of them ended up giving me relationship advice. This guy is like no other, very very sweet and can't wait to get a first class ticket into my life. So far I have been on my best behavior and inserting quirkiness in small doses. He has now called Sarah to introduce himself. He thinks it’s important to know the people who mean the most to me. If he wants to meet all of the important people in my life I hope he has unlimited minutes on his phone plan and can spare a few weeks for several meet and greets. If you see a 931 area code pop up on your phone just answer it and don’t be shy. So far Sarah and Brandy both shined a light on my good qualities and he is happy with my rave reviews. Too fast?? Well who knows, I am just gonna go with it, I mean who am I to deny anyone a peek into my world when asked?

He has already taught me so much about the PH balances in cow’s milk and the way that their reproductive cycles work. I can't wait to get down to the farm this weekend and feed some babies cows with bottles. I see a reality show in my future. "Spazwell meets the cows." I am up for this new adventure into the country way of life and see where it leads.

 He has taken a few masseuse classes and knows how to relax people into a better life. He says he is gonna fix me like a horse whisperer. He knows I can't sleep very well and he says that he can fix me through ironing out the knots in my muscles and breathing energy into my brain (it’s probably not exactly what he said but it’s what I took away from the conversation). He has also felt the huge dent, I mean crater on my head (and did not run by the way).  I have this gully on the back of my head that could double as a dog bowl, he says he can fix that too. I am envisioning some sort of plunger and good yank with both feet planted. He thinks that the dent in my head is causing the blood in my brain to not flow like it should. OK OK that makes sense.

Ok almighty horse, muscle, body and soul whisperer from the deep woods, do your magic! I know I just probably described another nut job but it’s not like that at all. I am open to a holistic conditioning process; HEY I got nothing to lose JACK. I love Duck Dynasty. Ok gotta I go see who wins The Voice now..tah tah!

 

as ya do

Things are looking up! Aside from Crazypants blowing up my phone out of nowhere...I had me a good weekend.

My $34.99 I spent on Match.com has turned out to be a pretty good investment. I ordered me up one country boy and got one hand delivered.  He is CUUUNTRY y’all! We decided to go out Saturday night. We started off taking a stroll down Broadway; the first place we stopped was the Boot Store. I have known this guy for literally ten minutes and the next thing you know I am trying on boots. This place is known in Nashville cause its buy one pair get two pair free. Well he bought one pair and let me pick out the two pair that were "free.” I found me two pair in a hot minute and promptly brought them up the checkout counter. I promise I didn't notice the price tag on the one pair until the lady was ringing me up and since they ring up the most expensive pair, I kinda set the standard a bit high, on accident. Well he just looked at me and said he’d make some more money next week (that’s my kinda logic). Um ok then, so far this date is starting off with great story. These boots are so bad ass, I love them. First Brandy bought me a pair as a welcome to TN present (really I forgot my wallet when we went shopping) and now this, country folks are so nice. After that, I bought the guy an ice cream cone, it was the least I could do. After the ice cream cone we decided we were hungry so he took me to Stoney River for a delicious steak. We are having a great time, things are rolling right along and I can almost understand every word out of his Southern mouth. After dinner we hit the streets for a little honky tonk action. Had a blast at Legends, people were in Christmas costumes, Christmas lights everywhere, the vibe was on point. All and all we had a really good time. His name is Will (haven’t nicknamed him yet), he is very nice, easy to get along with and I can act exactly like myself when I am with him. He did spill his red wine all over the table and all over my new boots, what is with guys spilling wine at the table when they take me out to dinner? I took one for the team and told the waiter it was me, again, it was the least I could do.   He is taking me to watch the Titans Monday night game tomorrow night in a suite. Not too shabby. He lives on a farm, his family has about 1000 acres and next weekend I will be checking out his tractor.

Oh Mom and Dad, if you reading this, he wants to meet ya'll when you come up for Christmas and take us all out for dinner. He called up Brandy today to introduce himself, as ya do. Brandy gave a verbal stamp of approval until he proves otherwise.  We are still on high alert for red flags due to my obnoxious history. Brandy asked if I could please make this guy be the one, she said she is over it; she is done with my guy search so I am going to try and do her this one favor. Although, in my defense I haven’t been looking, I was simply casually trolling on this site and I was going to give it one month. I am still reading my book on being patient that Ms. Kathy Goodwin gave me, and I think it really has helped, so you never know.

 

Hear yee hear yee!

Well this last post definitely wins the prize for "Most Interactive." The comments kept going well into this afternoon but I think the court room drama has finally come to a close.

 
The prosecution was top notch, the defense gave it a good go but unfortunately half of the evidence was circumstantial. All other evidence was not submissable in a court of law. After hours and hours of deliberation, cross examinations and cross referencing transcripts, the comments were stricken from the record. All perjury accusations have been thrown out due to hear-say. The objections were over-ruled, character assignations, leading the witness, and slander were all duly noted but the prosecution rests. The verdict is in and a jury of my peers have spoken. Spazwell is victorious! The defendant is excused from her life and the judge has sentenced the defendant to a lifelong gag order without parole. Appeals are restricted and a life of tranquility and peace will resume. The court thanks everyone for serving, following through with their civic duties and mostly for being bad asses. Court is adjourned.

 

 

 

I do what I gotta do

Ok enough is enough, I must call someone out and I warn everyone this is not a good side of me but this ass-clown has left me no choice. My Match.com experience has started off with a bang and not in a good way. I got a message this morning referring to yesterday’s post.  I have copied and pasted the message below but let me first remind everyone of who this message is from. This is the guy who I went on a date with from POF, after our date he went home, googled me, found my blog and read it from cover to cover in one sitting. On our next date he told me what he'd done and proceeded to interrogate on some of the content including Hank. This probably went down as the most uncomfortable date in history. Thank goodness I was on my lunch break so I had an out; I went back to work and told everyone about it. Since then he has been making comments on my blog, I have been ignoring them cause I didn't want to be mean, hoping he'd go way. Now that I have refreshed everyone’s memory, see below on this lovely message I got this morning:

 

"I saw your blog that you said you already seen guys from POF here on Match. I am sure I am one of them. Just don’t get it..I did nothing to you to deserve the hate. I simply called you out and you got mad and never contacted me (as you said you would) when you came back from Vegas.

So get off your high horse and stop pretending to be someone you are not!!! You weren’t that cute in the first place. "

 
Ok first of all, I have no idea why your think my comment was even about you, it’s not all about you Jason! We went out and I didn't like you so I told you I wasn't interested, you said that was fine and you wished me luck. Since then I changed my number but you continued to tune into my blog, you capitalized on the fact that there was a comment section and used it as a vehicle to continue to contact me. Guess what, no one cares about your comments, you ruin the vibe of things and we don't care about your opinions. We went out, I tried you on for size, and you didn't fit…THE END! Take a hint dude, let it go, you have now graduated from creepy to annoying to rude…congratulations!  I don’t know you and somehow you think its ok to chime in on my life. You tell me to get off of my high horse? Ha that’s funny, even if I was on my high horse, who cares, it’s my blog and I do what I want! You tell me to stop pretending to be someone I’m not, well let me tell you a little bit about who I am, I am someone who has a blog who has the right to say what is on my mind without ridicule. Why you are still reading it is beyond me and frankly a little pathetic. If you want to speak your peace, get your own blog; stop using mine as a platform and a way to continue to stay in my life. You try and take jabs at my looks, again, no one cares. If I could block you from my public blog I would so here’s what I suggest you do, take your class ring and your “Jason” tattoo and GET TA STEPPIN!!!

 

explanations are in order

Well its official, I signed up for one month of Match.com. I have already seen some familiar faces from POF, yuck. I am rolling the dice once more to see if I get dealt a better hand, perhaps even hit the jackpot and become a winner winner chicken dinner.

 First off, I would like to extend another apology to my very good friend and number one fan, Sarah. I woke up at 430am and saw I had a few texts from her. They were pictures of her and my ex-boyfriend Gary and my dog, Jake. She was in Atlanta and apparently ran into him. I was half asleep and fully consumed with unstable hormones. I suddenly became furious and sent some not nice texts about her not calling me back earlier that day. I think I was jealous or something, she looked so good and they looked so happy and I wasn’t there! Once I woke back up at a more respectable hour, I knocked the cob webs out of my head and realized I screwed up. Holy moly, my hormonally induced behavior put me straight in the dog house. I am so sorry girl; you didn't deserve any of that nonsense. I would like to delete that incident from our lives please.

On a lighter note, Friday night was our company Christmas party. I risked being assumed a lesbian by the wives of my co-workers and asked Brandy to be my plus-one. We had a blast; we had dinner at a Brazilian Steakhouse and ate like champions. We drank, ate and were very merry. I sat in between Vickie and Brandy and we laughed all night long. One of the highlights was watching my coworker, Paul, get serenaded by the whole staff after Vickie told the server it was his birthday. It wasn't his birthday and his face was priceless. The other huge highlight was a Christmas bonus!!! YAY!!! I didn't waste any time, woke up Saturday morning and headed straight to Wal-Mart. I hooked my bed up with a memory foam topper, some nice pillows, sheets and a blanket. It was very hard to pick out a pillow so I took advantage of the aisle and laid down on each pillow they had and finally made a decision. I am now committed to change my life from a sleeping standpoint. My mattress topper gets here in a week, so I will keep you posted.

Brandy and I had a long talk when we got back to my apartment on a stunt a pulled without consulting the elders or advisers. When I got back from Vegas I put my version of a thank you card in the mail addressed to Brandy's cousin, Jeff. Well the card was supposed to be funny and I wrote a sweet message in it, I sprayed it with perfume and kissed it with lipstick. I then printed out a picture of him from the hike and wrote on the back "Here's to leaving a better person"  I stuck $30 cash in it and put a post-it note on it that said "for services rendered." This was supposed to be a joke and would explain it when he called me. The $30 was for the last meal that I let him pay for,  I felt bad, I should of paid for it and wanted to pay him back. Well I never got to explain cause he never called me. Everyone, including my Mom, has had the same reaction: "You did what??!!" I am standing behind the silliness and the sincerity of it but no one seems to see it that way. I do agree that there were too many moving parts for a thank you card. I guess I will chalk it up to another lesson learned. I took matters into my own hands, did not reach out for a second opinion and it got me nowhere fast. If a guy doesn't get my humor, I can't help him. Oh well, next!

On that note I gotta get back to my manhunt, wish me luck!

 

Sweet Emotions

 

Well after a heart wrenching loss of my beloved Bulldawgs on Saturday, I decided to parlay my emotions into a call to my cousin. I guess it’s safe to say that after 1 year and 3 months it took a 3 1/2 hour conversation to mend the fence that kept us apart. I turned my anger into strength and traveled the high road for a bit. As everyone knows it was a long hard road of thinking and talking to get here. I gave in for a few reasons, mostly because I realized that family is important right now and we are pretty much the glue that holds both families together. So, there ya go, I stepped up and stopped being angry. She is now living in Flat Rock, Alabama with him and that is all I care to know right now, baby steps. She is only 1 1/2 hours away from my family in Georgia, so I sent her down there on my behalf to do the dishes and keep my mom company for a couple of days.

So now that that is settled, I have made a decision, to use the $20 Amy gave me and put it towards a Match.com membership. The trauma of Crazypants has subsided and I think I am ready to face the big bad world of online dating again. I swore to Marybeth that I would never go on POF again and I haven’t, so here goes round two of the nonsense. I will start this weekend. I am not sure what sparked it, not sure if it was learning that I let Hank get snatched up by another chippy. Yes Amber, it’s true, I let that guy slip through my fingers and he is now in deep with some other broad. We are still friends and will continue to hang out, he has already told his girl about me and she is cool with me staying in his life. He has lost 65 lbs. since I have known him and according to him he looks damn good (I can smell the smoke coming out of Amber’s ears).


My job as the manager of the zoo we call an office is quite insane. So far I have yelled at everyone. For some reason my desk has become the go-to desk for everything. I have a head-set on so no one ever knows when I am on the phone. I now shush people when I can’t hear and I yell at people who think that my desk is their own personal Office Max. I spend a good chunk of my day trying not to beat people with my stapler when they ask me to menial tasks that they are more than capable of doing themselves. I have a HUGE new respect for receptionists. I wouldn't mind being interrupted all day if had nothing else to do other than shell out post-it notes, paper clips and envelopes. BUT that is not the case; multi-tasking is quickly becoming one of my top qualities as I juggle 45 job titles. I am counting on using my anger for strength again real soon, I am not angry per say, but I am vocal.


I am super excited about being broke for only one more day. Not that I am not thankful for all the free deer meat that has kept me alive the past several days, but I am of bite of venison away from scampering through a meadow while dodging bullets from high-powered rifles. Come on payday!