Wednesday, May 25, 2016

today's dictionary

The definition of panic: the moment you realize you are in the family locker room at the gym after you take your shirt off

The definition of stupid: when you are driving down the highway and you hear a sound of what seems like a leak and its spewing everywhere under the hood. You finally get to an exit to jump out, pop the hood, freak out, and nothing. You get back in the car and realize its your economy sized aerosol hairspray can smashed against something in your middle console.

The definition of a lunatic: the moment your one-year-old is choking on something and your version of the Heimlich is to scream in the baby's face until she throws it up (it worked)

The definition of good luck: the day you knock on a homeowner's door and a bird pops up out of a nest located on the wreath. It scares the crap out of you and then you scare the crap out of it...all over your leg

The definition of ridiculous: an angry homeowner violating the English language by misusing and over using the word "hence"

The definition of a insanity: thinking that one day you will become sane.

All in all, a crazy couple of months HENCE me not blogging. I hope to start it up again starting now, at least once a month .....time will tell.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

losing it!

I worry about myself I really do. In total I have spent $622 in lost key fees this year. I finally lost my 3rd and final set of keys on Friday. They are here at my house along with the other two sets, I drove here so they are here. I looked for the standard 3 days before finally giving in (only because I had to go to work ) and called the oh so powerful locksmith. I blame Jesse, he must me throwing them in the garbage or down a vent or eating them, I can't take it anymore and its too soon to joke about it, the sting still hurts from signing away my bonus to the creepy guy standing in my doorway holding a fresh new key. This happened Monday, today is Tuesday, the day I drove 30 minutes to the wrong neighborhood instead of driving 10 minutes to the correct neighborhood and now I can't find my wallet.

Ok, that is all for now, I must get some rest so I can wake up early and lose something while driving the wrong way.

Friday, February 5, 2016

awesome apple

OHMYGOSH! Wood and I had a small party last weekend for Jesse and my birthday. It 65 degrees, sunny and a great time had by all. What I just learned goes something like this.....I ventured to dress up a little and by dress up I mean jeans and high heels and by high heels I mean chunky 3 inch lace up ankle boots. This may be the first time I have ever worn elevated shoes in front of Wood (mostly because I've been pregnant ever since I've know him) and I never wear heels regardless. So on Saturday I strut outside and he just told me that he and Heather were watching and waiting for me to turn around to see if I had an Adam's Apple. Well screw them both! I definitely get that I am not exactly an expert in fashion or being a girly girl. I get that I have walked in heels maybe twice in my 39 years but geez give a sister a break. Apparently I look like a dude in heels, maybe I will call RuPaul for some tips. So after I laughed it off and pouted a little and swore off anything not flip floppy, Wood offered to buy me some stilettos of his choice to practice and a pedicure. Well alright lets do it, make me into a girl. I mean after I went back to Kroger today to pick up the groceries I left at the register the day before (imitation crab meat, string cheese and fish sticks) I deserve a break, a pedicure and a "how to be a girl starter kit" let the pointy shoe shopping begin!

Thursday, February 4, 2016

a couple of yanks and two presses

I think that there are two things that people should do at least once in their lives, wait tables and accidentally try to get into not your car. I've done both and both have taken other people by surprise. I used to take a food order of a 6 top without writing it down and not miss a beat or a side, I have also tried to unlock and get into other people's cars while they watched. Usually when I am done with an appointment,I walk out of a homeowner's home, try to get the hell out of there before they notice that their shutters are falling off and sometimes I mistake a white Acura for a white Camry, it happens. I love it when the owner of the car is just watching to see what happens. "Not my car!" I say. "Don't tell anyone!" I yell. This actually happened today and a few months ago at my last job. I had a rental (for one reason or another) and my co-worker literally had the same exact car. I walk outside of the construction trailer, another co-worker is behind me and I am on the phone. I grab my keys out of my pocket and proceed to click the button several times while yanking on the handle several times and nothing is happening except for the car directly behind me is blinking on and off diligently. After another few presses and a couple more yanks, my co-workers yells out, that's not your car Baswell! I turn around and he is doubled over laughing and I yell "don't tell anyone!" Well he didn't listen and this guy not knowing my nickname calls me Spazwell, he just guessed my name after spending two days with me. I have actually done this in a Target parking lot as I pointed my remote at a trunk of the car and the one in back of my opens up. This must be a common problem, I think everyone does it from time to time, yes they do yes they do.

Monday, January 25, 2016

hocus focus

Well its official I had to enter my age into the elliptical at the gym this morning and it hit me that I have exactly 364 days left in my 30s. This year I'm gonna focus on being focused and my tunnel vision is gonna narrow in on my one goal...don't turn 40 fat. Last year I had a child, got married, got a new job, had a birthday for a one-year-old and I washed my car. My only goal this year is to get back into the jeans that once fell off of me. I just want to button them, oh and look smoking hot in a bathing suit. If I can accomplish that one thing I will feel complete. Actually I should probably also change my name at some point. I've been married for 6 months and I am still a Baswell. This is a huge undertaking that is intimidating the crap out of me. Going to the DMV, the Social Security Office, calling the bank, the gym, my HR office, changing my Facebook, my email, my credit card, my car, all my bills, and any other sucker who knows my name is gonna suck!

 I am not sure if its my age but my ADD is getting really bad, really really bad. I seriously almost left the bathroom today mid-stream because my brain literally was ready to change tasks. It was at that moment I realized I needed help. If there is anything in this world I need to focus on long enough to complete without starting a new project, its any bathroom transaction. I literally just sent Jesse to get a book out of his room and he came out empty handed like he forgot what he was doing, oh crap, its contagious. I reminded him he was supposed to get a book, he went back in there and came out with a huge truck in his arms. The struggle is real.

Toddler problems are real, Jesse threw a fit the other day because he realized that the TV screen is not a touch screen and he can't just pick a cartoon with his finger tip. I used to through a fit when the aluminum fell off the rabbit ears. These times, they are a changin.

Ok I must go to bed and dream about Adderol, maybe then I will wake up ready to complete thought in a timely manner.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

add water, rinse and repeat

I've got some material ready to roll...but I'm saving it for later. Right now I must concentrate on 39 years ago. Something shifted 39 years ago today, a girl was born and I have no idea how to spell her last name. We like her, she is good people, she shows up, she has her uniforms (that one outfit that looks great that she can wear 5 days a week and no one would ever know since she is never in the same spot for more that 5 seconds). She is the person who still knows how to place a stamp on an envelope. She's the girl who would trade everything thing she's ever worked for in her life for one day with her family. She has it all and has no idea because she is blinded by happiness. She will buy a brand new BMW the same day she created more shampoo by adding water to the bottom of the bottle. In our world, silence is the sound of laughter, the sound you make when you can't breathe. Talking to her is my happy place. Happy Birthday Sarah D. I am so glad I know you.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

expectations suck

One of the neighborhoods that I work out of is called Fairvue Plantation, it used be an actual plantation back in the day. One of the ladies found this out from a brief conversation we had after our body sculpting class. She is a 67-year-old white lady who is a huge advocate of black history, specifically slavery. She now thinks that I share her passion to spread slave awareness and share her thirst for historical knowledge because I happen to work out of this neighborhood. After each class, the close talker tells me the tales of the slave traders about an inch away from my face and I just nod and smile. I get to hear about the top slave traders and where they got the best deal and the most bang for their buck. Sure she can throw some historical facts in my brain and see what sticks but I definitely don't picture myself hunkering down to read the 30 page article she printed out for me to read. I'll probably read it just because it wouldn't hurt to read something...anything.

It was girl's night out for this working mom on Friday night! When my newly single wild friend designated her Friday night to me, I was like oh hell yes we are about to get crazy! She is only 30- years-old and so much fun. She has a one bedroom apartment in downtown Nashville after an 8 year relationship and its all I can do to contain my excitement for her and her new life. She should be excited about some good times comin up, doin it on her own and I really hope she has the same insane ride I did.

I got to her apartment, we cought up on the latest gossip and we head out to the trendiest Mexican restaurant in town. After a couple of margaritas and some dinner, she was ready to head to the barn. WHAT?! NOOOOOOO!!! She had to work in the morning and I have Wood at home watching the kids. I am like ready to star in a "Moms Gone Wild" video and we are going home? I have been storing up hall passes in my back pocket for the past year and we are going home?  Dangit that's what I get for having expectations for blog material. I got home and Wood even looked disappointed for me. I had taken the car seats out, had packed a bag but was home for the 11 o'clock news. Wood said I smelled like a dude. I had put Jamie's perfume on after I doused myself with her hair thickener, I love it when they disguise hair products in perfume bottles.