LET'S END THIS YEAR WRIGHT!

Well well well here it is the last day of another crazy year and I have missed the connection with the world! I have spent the last days of this year on the farm with no service, no internet, no computer and it was time to find the nearest computer and fill everyone in, so here I am at Brandy's house.

 
Several things have happened in the past several days, where to begin where to begin. Let's begin with my belt, my favorite belt, it just disappeared into thin air. I know I lose things all the time but my life is in the best order it’s been in a while so I was baffled and then it dawned on me. I was trying on a belt a couple of weeks ago at Marshalls; I took off my belt and left it on the damn belt rack. DANGIT! I went back to look for it and they said that they most likely slapped a tag on it and sold it. WHAT? Oh well hope they got a good price for it.

 
My Mom and Dad came down for Christmas, it was perfect, exactly what the doctor ordered. They got here on the day before Christmas Eve and we have never been one for traditions so we opened up our presents before they even had time to sit down. Present opening time has always been good for a few laughs in the Baswell family. I got my Dad a Johnny Cash T-Shirt, the one of him giving the middle finger, my dad LOL’d for a long time. After the presents were open, it was snack time for mom and another laugh revolved around my mom mistaking the water milk jug for the milk milk jug. All I hear in the dark kitchen was "This is not milk this is water! This is disgusting" HAHAHA...duped again Ma.

 
The next day they met Will and we all went to lunch on Broadway. It was great, they instantly liked him. My mom was all smiles while asking him questions and getting to know him. After lunch it was time for my Dad and him to bond over a game of pool. We walked them down to the sports bar, got them settled and the girls took off to shop. It was a great day, me and mom bounced around from shop to shop until we found my Dad something for Christmas. We went back to get the boys cause Mom had had enough activity. On the walk back to the car mom was feeling sluggish, Will put his arm around her and handed her a Buckeye. He said he has been carrying it around for the past 4 years, it has brought him luck and he wanted her to have it and to carry it always. He also said it helps keep the hemorrhoids away, at that point my Dad asked if he could have half of it. It was a really sweet gesture and she was floored, she didn’t put it down for the rest of the trip.

 
We went back to my apartment, said our goodbyes to Will and he was off. We spent the rest of the visit relaxing and eating the ham that Will sent over.

 
Since then I have met his entire family, he has met my family including my extended family Brandy, her mom, her Grandmother, and her sons. We met them out for dinner over the weekend. They all loved him, Brandy's mom and Grandmother gave there stamps of approval, it was awesome. Will went to the bathroom and Brandy's mom immediately wanted to know what was wrong with him that he has mever been married or had kids at age 37? Well I guess the same thing that is wrong with me at age 36 in the same situation...nothing (for the most part).

 
Yesterday he took me, Brandy, Vickie and Vickie's husband Eric to the Titans game. We all piled in his truck and us five set out for Sunday Funday in the suite. We all laughed the whole time, mostly at my outfit. Everyone else was dressed like they were going to a football game and I was dressed in the outfit his mom bought me for Christmas. She said she could see me wearing it to the game so I had no choice. I was a bit dressy and I looked like I should be having lunch with my great Aunt Myrtle and her friends just before Bingo. So while I’m sporting my fancy turtle neck and afghan crocheted poncho, I got called Mod and had a few knitting requests.  It was a cute outfit but not the typical rough around the edges football garb everyone is accustomed to.

 
Now I am sitting at Brandy's counting my blessings. Let’s review, this year it took 50 WRONGS to find a WRIGHT…a Will Wright to exact.

 
I can't believe I scored me exactly what I was looking for in a man and so far everyone in my life who has met him loves him! I told him to go play pool while I hung out with my girl and now I am wondering if I should be spending our first New Year’s Eve as a couple with him? Aw screw it, it’s gonna be a Patio 457 evening, I started the year here with my half circle and I need to end it here. I will see him tomorrow, the first day of a New year and a new chapter…… bring it 2013 I am ready for you!!!

 

the grass may be greener on the farm

I know I have a few gaps to fill like my parents visit. It was short, sweet and to the point. I will have to talk details later cause I am sick right now and my juices are not flowing. I will say this, the visit was perfect, my parents love Will already and that makes me happy.

I just got off the phone with him and so far today (it’s now 10am) he has hunted and killed a deer, is in the process of birthing a calf and while he is waiting for the water to break he is taking 2 more heifers to the doctor for pregnancy tests. All I've done today is complain. He’s got the Circle of Life, Hakuna Matata  and whatever other Lion King themed song going on over there and it’s just another day in the life on the farm. I am sick as a dog, but I really need to get off my duff, go see a man about the miracle of birth and see a calf being born…

 

 

 

fun on the farm part two

After my feeding time was over we bundled me up for feeding time at the barn, a cows gotta eat! I now have his mucking boots in tow, his toboggan, his long johns under my jeans and sportin his hoodie.  It’s like 630am, 27 degrees out and I look like a homeless person. I am so glad we ran into his dad, nice way to meet him for the first time. He already did the feeding so no need to do it twice. It’s cool, it’s not like I sleep in anyway. He took me on a tour of his farm, it’s breathtaking. We stumbled onto about 20 baby calves; it was like a dream, like a cow dream. It was pretty cool to know that Will was the one responsible for all these babies being born ten days ago.

After my tour we went back to the house so I could take a shower and meet his parents properly without with yesterday’s makeup on. I walk in and they are so sweet and welcoming. I brought her a bottle of wine thinking that that was appropriate, I've watch enough Bachelorette and Bachelor to know that you always bring the mom something when you meet them for the for time. Well they have been watching a whole other show on a whole other lever. A show where the mom buys the girl she has never met who has been dating her son for a whole week a pile of Christmas presents. Maybe their show has a crystal ball so they know I am gonna be around long enough to be worthy of a very nice vest, a shirt and some homemade lotion. I was speechless, it was very sweet.

 
On our way out to the truck to get some grub, we stop to watch Will’s dog swing a tricycle around the yard like a rag dog using a rope. Apparently this is his favorite pastime and has a tricycle at every house he visits. I have a video of it; it was the funniest thing I have seen in a while. The dog holds the rope in his mouth and swings the tricycle around in circles until he’s dizzy. Um, ok, well um ok.

We now head to the Chuckwagon  (AKA  a trailer in the middle of a parking lot) for some lunch. We can’t drive five feet without running into someone he knows, people walking, people at the gas station, small town living is kinda foreign to me but I am catching on pretty quick. We pull into the Chuckwagon, low and behold his brother is there eating with his three kids. Ok ok I got this, we sit down with them and again it’s like I’ve known them for years. We laughed, talked and ate, perfect.

We then said our good-byes and made our way back to Will's, where I had more presents to open, three to be exact. I did tell him I was going to get him a little something since he bought me boots and all, so I wasn't that surprised to find one, but three? So I went out to the car and opened my trunk, ripped the tags off of the XXXL shirt I accidentally bought, wrapped it in tissue paper and stuffed it in a bag. Yea the shirt was a tad big and looked like a plaid cloak, so I'll just take it back; I pretty much memorized the return policy at Marshalls so it should not be a problem. I got hooked up with an awesome jacket, some costume jewelry and a candle. I have no idea what I did to deserve all this but I am not looking a gift farmer in the mouth. Shortly after I had to skedaddle and get ready for my parents visit the next morning

 
Long story short, I got a good guy on my hands and can’t wait to see what happens next.

 

first light

I feel like I need to fill everyone one midway through this Christmas extravaganza weekend. All of the girlie tendencies were more than justified after seeing the elements. He is who he is, he makes no apologies for it and I think that is awesome.

 
I got down there Friday evening, stars shining bright and far far away from everything. His house is very clean and cozy with 4-5 deer heads hanging in the living room, along with a three legged baby bobcat. I was introduced to his 135 lb. lab, Dudley Do Wright (his last name is Wright) if you are a lab in this family, this is your name (not at all confusing). I brought the dog a chew toy earning me some instant points. He showed me this selection of homemade wine and moonshine. He doesn't drink all that much so this stuff has been sitting there for years, who knows what's in them. I was hungry so we picked out one of three restaurants nearby, Castaways; he had nachos and frog legs, perfect combo. I have never had frog legs and never will after watching a country boy tear em up. Gross. Double yuck. We had a good time and went back to the house for some pool lessons. He’s got a pool table in his house, I told him I suck at pool and now he is determined to teach me. Ok well go right ahead, but I can guarantee I am still gonna suck. After a few games it was time for bed, we gotta get some shut eye cause the cows need a feedin at first light.  He slept on the couch; me and the dog took his bed.

 
It's now right around dawn, he came in the bedroom and opened his safe to pick out a gun for the day (as ya do). He pulled out a long silver revolver and hands it too me before I can even open my eyes. I told him it was not a good idea to hand me a weapon before I’ve had my cereal. He points me in the direction of the kitchen while he loads his weapons. I really like this guy, but I think I fell in love when I saw the variety of cereal in his cabinets. He's got no food except for cereal, holy match made in heaven. I poured me some cocoa crispies and went to the window to check out the view out back. Um, Will is outside putting logs in the outdoor heater to heat the house. What?? Holy crap, I put down my cereal, ran and got my camera. I have never seen anything like this, we are using fire wood to heat the house, I am now waiting for Laura Ingalls to come running down the hill with her pail.

 
I am gonna have to stop here and finish up later, he will be here soon, time to meet my parents. We are all going to lunch and then the boys are going to play pool (my dad loves pool like he loves pool) and the girls are gonna go shopping. Wish me luck!!

 

testing out a theory

Ok I am gonna put on the kiddie gloves and walk gingerly into this post for fear of yet another blog discovery by a potential suitor.

I am going to the farm tomorrow. I will be meeting his family and seeing him in his element. Seeing him in his element is very important at this time. I need to see that it’s okay that he gets pedicures to relieve his working man farm feet of dry skin. I need to see that his passion for Nicholas Sparks’ novels is to offset the slaughtering of cows; I need to see that the Lionel Richie Cd's are to ease his mind after a long hard day of harvesting and roping cattle. The elements are gonna play in his favor, I just know it. Sarah has told me in the past that I need to be more dainty and lady-like with my men. Maybe this is the universe saying that I am not supposed to be the one getting manicures and reading romance novels. Maybe I am supposed to continue to wrestle at parties, head butt my guy friends and continue to use a pair of scissors and a red sharpie to touch up my pedicure from six months ago. Maybe I am supposed to wear the pants in the family and let my man pick daisies while I go hammer up some drywall. In my world, Lionel Richie is the dad of Paris Hilton’s BFF and Message in a Bottle and The Notebook got returned to the Red Box promptly on the due date.

Hmmmm it’s an interesting theory....I will let you know how it goes when I return.

 

fix it and forget it

Well I am in a whirlwind of crazy, but in a good way this time. This country boy, Will, has got me cracking up at his ways. He says what he means and means what he says, no filter needed. We had a great time at the game, met a lot of nice people in the suite. Most of them ended up giving me relationship advice. This guy is like no other, very very sweet and can't wait to get a first class ticket into my life. So far I have been on my best behavior and inserting quirkiness in small doses. He has now called Sarah to introduce himself. He thinks it’s important to know the people who mean the most to me. If he wants to meet all of the important people in my life I hope he has unlimited minutes on his phone plan and can spare a few weeks for several meet and greets. If you see a 931 area code pop up on your phone just answer it and don’t be shy. So far Sarah and Brandy both shined a light on my good qualities and he is happy with my rave reviews. Too fast?? Well who knows, I am just gonna go with it, I mean who am I to deny anyone a peek into my world when asked?

He has already taught me so much about the PH balances in cow’s milk and the way that their reproductive cycles work. I can't wait to get down to the farm this weekend and feed some babies cows with bottles. I see a reality show in my future. "Spazwell meets the cows." I am up for this new adventure into the country way of life and see where it leads.

 He has taken a few masseuse classes and knows how to relax people into a better life. He says he is gonna fix me like a horse whisperer. He knows I can't sleep very well and he says that he can fix me through ironing out the knots in my muscles and breathing energy into my brain (it’s probably not exactly what he said but it’s what I took away from the conversation). He has also felt the huge dent, I mean crater on my head (and did not run by the way).  I have this gully on the back of my head that could double as a dog bowl, he says he can fix that too. I am envisioning some sort of plunger and good yank with both feet planted. He thinks that the dent in my head is causing the blood in my brain to not flow like it should. OK OK that makes sense.

Ok almighty horse, muscle, body and soul whisperer from the deep woods, do your magic! I know I just probably described another nut job but it’s not like that at all. I am open to a holistic conditioning process; HEY I got nothing to lose JACK. I love Duck Dynasty. Ok gotta I go see who wins The Voice now..tah tah!

 

as ya do

Things are looking up! Aside from Crazypants blowing up my phone out of nowhere...I had me a good weekend.

My $34.99 I spent on Match.com has turned out to be a pretty good investment. I ordered me up one country boy and got one hand delivered.  He is CUUUNTRY y’all! We decided to go out Saturday night. We started off taking a stroll down Broadway; the first place we stopped was the Boot Store. I have known this guy for literally ten minutes and the next thing you know I am trying on boots. This place is known in Nashville cause its buy one pair get two pair free. Well he bought one pair and let me pick out the two pair that were "free.” I found me two pair in a hot minute and promptly brought them up the checkout counter. I promise I didn't notice the price tag on the one pair until the lady was ringing me up and since they ring up the most expensive pair, I kinda set the standard a bit high, on accident. Well he just looked at me and said he’d make some more money next week (that’s my kinda logic). Um ok then, so far this date is starting off with great story. These boots are so bad ass, I love them. First Brandy bought me a pair as a welcome to TN present (really I forgot my wallet when we went shopping) and now this, country folks are so nice. After that, I bought the guy an ice cream cone, it was the least I could do. After the ice cream cone we decided we were hungry so he took me to Stoney River for a delicious steak. We are having a great time, things are rolling right along and I can almost understand every word out of his Southern mouth. After dinner we hit the streets for a little honky tonk action. Had a blast at Legends, people were in Christmas costumes, Christmas lights everywhere, the vibe was on point. All and all we had a really good time. His name is Will (haven’t nicknamed him yet), he is very nice, easy to get along with and I can act exactly like myself when I am with him. He did spill his red wine all over the table and all over my new boots, what is with guys spilling wine at the table when they take me out to dinner? I took one for the team and told the waiter it was me, again, it was the least I could do.   He is taking me to watch the Titans Monday night game tomorrow night in a suite. Not too shabby. He lives on a farm, his family has about 1000 acres and next weekend I will be checking out his tractor.

Oh Mom and Dad, if you reading this, he wants to meet ya'll when you come up for Christmas and take us all out for dinner. He called up Brandy today to introduce himself, as ya do. Brandy gave a verbal stamp of approval until he proves otherwise.  We are still on high alert for red flags due to my obnoxious history. Brandy asked if I could please make this guy be the one, she said she is over it; she is done with my guy search so I am going to try and do her this one favor. Although, in my defense I haven’t been looking, I was simply casually trolling on this site and I was going to give it one month. I am still reading my book on being patient that Ms. Kathy Goodwin gave me, and I think it really has helped, so you never know.

 

Hear yee hear yee!

Well this last post definitely wins the prize for "Most Interactive." The comments kept going well into this afternoon but I think the court room drama has finally come to a close.

 
The prosecution was top notch, the defense gave it a good go but unfortunately half of the evidence was circumstantial. All other evidence was not submissable in a court of law. After hours and hours of deliberation, cross examinations and cross referencing transcripts, the comments were stricken from the record. All perjury accusations have been thrown out due to hear-say. The objections were over-ruled, character assignations, leading the witness, and slander were all duly noted but the prosecution rests. The verdict is in and a jury of my peers have spoken. Spazwell is victorious! The defendant is excused from her life and the judge has sentenced the defendant to a lifelong gag order without parole. Appeals are restricted and a life of tranquility and peace will resume. The court thanks everyone for serving, following through with their civic duties and mostly for being bad asses. Court is adjourned.

 

 

 

I do what I gotta do

Ok enough is enough, I must call someone out and I warn everyone this is not a good side of me but this ass-clown has left me no choice. My Match.com experience has started off with a bang and not in a good way. I got a message this morning referring to yesterday’s post.  I have copied and pasted the message below but let me first remind everyone of who this message is from. This is the guy who I went on a date with from POF, after our date he went home, googled me, found my blog and read it from cover to cover in one sitting. On our next date he told me what he'd done and proceeded to interrogate on some of the content including Hank. This probably went down as the most uncomfortable date in history. Thank goodness I was on my lunch break so I had an out; I went back to work and told everyone about it. Since then he has been making comments on my blog, I have been ignoring them cause I didn't want to be mean, hoping he'd go way. Now that I have refreshed everyone’s memory, see below on this lovely message I got this morning:

 

"I saw your blog that you said you already seen guys from POF here on Match. I am sure I am one of them. Just don’t get it..I did nothing to you to deserve the hate. I simply called you out and you got mad and never contacted me (as you said you would) when you came back from Vegas.

So get off your high horse and stop pretending to be someone you are not!!! You weren’t that cute in the first place. "

 
Ok first of all, I have no idea why your think my comment was even about you, it’s not all about you Jason! We went out and I didn't like you so I told you I wasn't interested, you said that was fine and you wished me luck. Since then I changed my number but you continued to tune into my blog, you capitalized on the fact that there was a comment section and used it as a vehicle to continue to contact me. Guess what, no one cares about your comments, you ruin the vibe of things and we don't care about your opinions. We went out, I tried you on for size, and you didn't fit…THE END! Take a hint dude, let it go, you have now graduated from creepy to annoying to rude…congratulations!  I don’t know you and somehow you think its ok to chime in on my life. You tell me to get off of my high horse? Ha that’s funny, even if I was on my high horse, who cares, it’s my blog and I do what I want! You tell me to stop pretending to be someone I’m not, well let me tell you a little bit about who I am, I am someone who has a blog who has the right to say what is on my mind without ridicule. Why you are still reading it is beyond me and frankly a little pathetic. If you want to speak your peace, get your own blog; stop using mine as a platform and a way to continue to stay in my life. You try and take jabs at my looks, again, no one cares. If I could block you from my public blog I would so here’s what I suggest you do, take your class ring and your “Jason” tattoo and GET TA STEPPIN!!!

 

explanations are in order

Well its official, I signed up for one month of Match.com. I have already seen some familiar faces from POF, yuck. I am rolling the dice once more to see if I get dealt a better hand, perhaps even hit the jackpot and become a winner winner chicken dinner.

 First off, I would like to extend another apology to my very good friend and number one fan, Sarah. I woke up at 430am and saw I had a few texts from her. They were pictures of her and my ex-boyfriend Gary and my dog, Jake. She was in Atlanta and apparently ran into him. I was half asleep and fully consumed with unstable hormones. I suddenly became furious and sent some not nice texts about her not calling me back earlier that day. I think I was jealous or something, she looked so good and they looked so happy and I wasn’t there! Once I woke back up at a more respectable hour, I knocked the cob webs out of my head and realized I screwed up. Holy moly, my hormonally induced behavior put me straight in the dog house. I am so sorry girl; you didn't deserve any of that nonsense. I would like to delete that incident from our lives please.

On a lighter note, Friday night was our company Christmas party. I risked being assumed a lesbian by the wives of my co-workers and asked Brandy to be my plus-one. We had a blast; we had dinner at a Brazilian Steakhouse and ate like champions. We drank, ate and were very merry. I sat in between Vickie and Brandy and we laughed all night long. One of the highlights was watching my coworker, Paul, get serenaded by the whole staff after Vickie told the server it was his birthday. It wasn't his birthday and his face was priceless. The other huge highlight was a Christmas bonus!!! YAY!!! I didn't waste any time, woke up Saturday morning and headed straight to Wal-Mart. I hooked my bed up with a memory foam topper, some nice pillows, sheets and a blanket. It was very hard to pick out a pillow so I took advantage of the aisle and laid down on each pillow they had and finally made a decision. I am now committed to change my life from a sleeping standpoint. My mattress topper gets here in a week, so I will keep you posted.

Brandy and I had a long talk when we got back to my apartment on a stunt a pulled without consulting the elders or advisers. When I got back from Vegas I put my version of a thank you card in the mail addressed to Brandy's cousin, Jeff. Well the card was supposed to be funny and I wrote a sweet message in it, I sprayed it with perfume and kissed it with lipstick. I then printed out a picture of him from the hike and wrote on the back "Here's to leaving a better person"  I stuck $30 cash in it and put a post-it note on it that said "for services rendered." This was supposed to be a joke and would explain it when he called me. The $30 was for the last meal that I let him pay for,  I felt bad, I should of paid for it and wanted to pay him back. Well I never got to explain cause he never called me. Everyone, including my Mom, has had the same reaction: "You did what??!!" I am standing behind the silliness and the sincerity of it but no one seems to see it that way. I do agree that there were too many moving parts for a thank you card. I guess I will chalk it up to another lesson learned. I took matters into my own hands, did not reach out for a second opinion and it got me nowhere fast. If a guy doesn't get my humor, I can't help him. Oh well, next!

On that note I gotta get back to my manhunt, wish me luck!

 

Sweet Emotions

 

Well after a heart wrenching loss of my beloved Bulldawgs on Saturday, I decided to parlay my emotions into a call to my cousin. I guess it’s safe to say that after 1 year and 3 months it took a 3 1/2 hour conversation to mend the fence that kept us apart. I turned my anger into strength and traveled the high road for a bit. As everyone knows it was a long hard road of thinking and talking to get here. I gave in for a few reasons, mostly because I realized that family is important right now and we are pretty much the glue that holds both families together. So, there ya go, I stepped up and stopped being angry. She is now living in Flat Rock, Alabama with him and that is all I care to know right now, baby steps. She is only 1 1/2 hours away from my family in Georgia, so I sent her down there on my behalf to do the dishes and keep my mom company for a couple of days.

So now that that is settled, I have made a decision, to use the $20 Amy gave me and put it towards a Match.com membership. The trauma of Crazypants has subsided and I think I am ready to face the big bad world of online dating again. I swore to Marybeth that I would never go on POF again and I haven’t, so here goes round two of the nonsense. I will start this weekend. I am not sure what sparked it, not sure if it was learning that I let Hank get snatched up by another chippy. Yes Amber, it’s true, I let that guy slip through my fingers and he is now in deep with some other broad. We are still friends and will continue to hang out, he has already told his girl about me and she is cool with me staying in his life. He has lost 65 lbs. since I have known him and according to him he looks damn good (I can smell the smoke coming out of Amber’s ears).


My job as the manager of the zoo we call an office is quite insane. So far I have yelled at everyone. For some reason my desk has become the go-to desk for everything. I have a head-set on so no one ever knows when I am on the phone. I now shush people when I can’t hear and I yell at people who think that my desk is their own personal Office Max. I spend a good chunk of my day trying not to beat people with my stapler when they ask me to menial tasks that they are more than capable of doing themselves. I have a HUGE new respect for receptionists. I wouldn't mind being interrupted all day if had nothing else to do other than shell out post-it notes, paper clips and envelopes. BUT that is not the case; multi-tasking is quickly becoming one of my top qualities as I juggle 45 job titles. I am counting on using my anger for strength again real soon, I am not angry per say, but I am vocal.


I am super excited about being broke for only one more day. Not that I am not thankful for all the free deer meat that has kept me alive the past several days, but I am of bite of venison away from scampering through a meadow while dodging bullets from high-powered rifles. Come on payday!