LET'S END THIS YEAR WRIGHT!

Well well well here it is the last day of another crazy year and I have missed the connection with the world! I have spent the last days of this year on the farm with no service, no internet, no computer and it was time to find the nearest computer and fill everyone in, so here I am at Brandy's house.

 
Several things have happened in the past several days, where to begin where to begin. Let's begin with my belt, my favorite belt, it just disappeared into thin air. I know I lose things all the time but my life is in the best order it’s been in a while so I was baffled and then it dawned on me. I was trying on a belt a couple of weeks ago at Marshalls; I took off my belt and left it on the damn belt rack. DANGIT! I went back to look for it and they said that they most likely slapped a tag on it and sold it. WHAT? Oh well hope they got a good price for it.

 
My Mom and Dad came down for Christmas, it was perfect, exactly what the doctor ordered. They got here on the day before Christmas Eve and we have never been one for traditions so we opened up our presents before they even had time to sit down. Present opening time has always been good for a few laughs in the Baswell family. I got my Dad a Johnny Cash T-Shirt, the one of him giving the middle finger, my dad LOL’d for a long time. After the presents were open, it was snack time for mom and another laugh revolved around my mom mistaking the water milk jug for the milk milk jug. All I hear in the dark kitchen was "This is not milk this is water! This is disgusting" HAHAHA...duped again Ma.

 
The next day they met Will and we all went to lunch on Broadway. It was great, they instantly liked him. My mom was all smiles while asking him questions and getting to know him. After lunch it was time for my Dad and him to bond over a game of pool. We walked them down to the sports bar, got them settled and the girls took off to shop. It was a great day, me and mom bounced around from shop to shop until we found my Dad something for Christmas. We went back to get the boys cause Mom had had enough activity. On the walk back to the car mom was feeling sluggish, Will put his arm around her and handed her a Buckeye. He said he has been carrying it around for the past 4 years, it has brought him luck and he wanted her to have it and to carry it always. He also said it helps keep the hemorrhoids away, at that point my Dad asked if he could have half of it. It was a really sweet gesture and she was floored, she didn’t put it down for the rest of the trip.

 
We went back to my apartment, said our goodbyes to Will and he was off. We spent the rest of the visit relaxing and eating the ham that Will sent over.

 
Since then I have met his entire family, he has met my family including my extended family Brandy, her mom, her Grandmother, and her sons. We met them out for dinner over the weekend. They all loved him, Brandy's mom and Grandmother gave there stamps of approval, it was awesome. Will went to the bathroom and Brandy's mom immediately wanted to know what was wrong with him that he has mever been married or had kids at age 37? Well I guess the same thing that is wrong with me at age 36 in the same situation...nothing (for the most part).

 
Yesterday he took me, Brandy, Vickie and Vickie's husband Eric to the Titans game. We all piled in his truck and us five set out for Sunday Funday in the suite. We all laughed the whole time, mostly at my outfit. Everyone else was dressed like they were going to a football game and I was dressed in the outfit his mom bought me for Christmas. She said she could see me wearing it to the game so I had no choice. I was a bit dressy and I looked like I should be having lunch with my great Aunt Myrtle and her friends just before Bingo. So while I’m sporting my fancy turtle neck and afghan crocheted poncho, I got called Mod and had a few knitting requests.  It was a cute outfit but not the typical rough around the edges football garb everyone is accustomed to.

 
Now I am sitting at Brandy's counting my blessings. Let’s review, this year it took 50 WRONGS to find a WRIGHT…a Will Wright to exact.

 
I can't believe I scored me exactly what I was looking for in a man and so far everyone in my life who has met him loves him! I told him to go play pool while I hung out with my girl and now I am wondering if I should be spending our first New Year’s Eve as a couple with him? Aw screw it, it’s gonna be a Patio 457 evening, I started the year here with my half circle and I need to end it here. I will see him tomorrow, the first day of a New year and a new chapter…… bring it 2013 I am ready for you!!!

 

the grass may be greener on the farm

I know I have a few gaps to fill like my parents visit. It was short, sweet and to the point. I will have to talk details later cause I am sick right now and my juices are not flowing. I will say this, the visit was perfect, my parents love Will already and that makes me happy.

I just got off the phone with him and so far today (it’s now 10am) he has hunted and killed a deer, is in the process of birthing a calf and while he is waiting for the water to break he is taking 2 more heifers to the doctor for pregnancy tests. All I've done today is complain. He’s got the Circle of Life, Hakuna Matata  and whatever other Lion King themed song going on over there and it’s just another day in the life on the farm. I am sick as a dog, but I really need to get off my duff, go see a man about the miracle of birth and see a calf being born…

 

 

 

fun on the farm part two

After my feeding time was over we bundled me up for feeding time at the barn, a cows gotta eat! I now have his mucking boots in tow, his toboggan, his long johns under my jeans and sportin his hoodie.  It’s like 630am, 27 degrees out and I look like a homeless person. I am so glad we ran into his dad, nice way to meet him for the first time. He already did the feeding so no need to do it twice. It’s cool, it’s not like I sleep in anyway. He took me on a tour of his farm, it’s breathtaking. We stumbled onto about 20 baby calves; it was like a dream, like a cow dream. It was pretty cool to know that Will was the one responsible for all these babies being born ten days ago.

After my tour we went back to the house so I could take a shower and meet his parents properly without with yesterday’s makeup on. I walk in and they are so sweet and welcoming. I brought her a bottle of wine thinking that that was appropriate, I've watch enough Bachelorette and Bachelor to know that you always bring the mom something when you meet them for the for time. Well they have been watching a whole other show on a whole other lever. A show where the mom buys the girl she has never met who has been dating her son for a whole week a pile of Christmas presents. Maybe their show has a crystal ball so they know I am gonna be around long enough to be worthy of a very nice vest, a shirt and some homemade lotion. I was speechless, it was very sweet.

 
On our way out to the truck to get some grub, we stop to watch Will’s dog swing a tricycle around the yard like a rag dog using a rope. Apparently this is his favorite pastime and has a tricycle at every house he visits. I have a video of it; it was the funniest thing I have seen in a while. The dog holds the rope in his mouth and swings the tricycle around in circles until he’s dizzy. Um, ok, well um ok.

We now head to the Chuckwagon  (AKA  a trailer in the middle of a parking lot) for some lunch. We can’t drive five feet without running into someone he knows, people walking, people at the gas station, small town living is kinda foreign to me but I am catching on pretty quick. We pull into the Chuckwagon, low and behold his brother is there eating with his three kids. Ok ok I got this, we sit down with them and again it’s like I’ve known them for years. We laughed, talked and ate, perfect.

We then said our good-byes and made our way back to Will's, where I had more presents to open, three to be exact. I did tell him I was going to get him a little something since he bought me boots and all, so I wasn't that surprised to find one, but three? So I went out to the car and opened my trunk, ripped the tags off of the XXXL shirt I accidentally bought, wrapped it in tissue paper and stuffed it in a bag. Yea the shirt was a tad big and looked like a plaid cloak, so I'll just take it back; I pretty much memorized the return policy at Marshalls so it should not be a problem. I got hooked up with an awesome jacket, some costume jewelry and a candle. I have no idea what I did to deserve all this but I am not looking a gift farmer in the mouth. Shortly after I had to skedaddle and get ready for my parents visit the next morning

 
Long story short, I got a good guy on my hands and can’t wait to see what happens next.

 

first light

I feel like I need to fill everyone one midway through this Christmas extravaganza weekend. All of the girlie tendencies were more than justified after seeing the elements. He is who he is, he makes no apologies for it and I think that is awesome.

 
I got down there Friday evening, stars shining bright and far far away from everything. His house is very clean and cozy with 4-5 deer heads hanging in the living room, along with a three legged baby bobcat. I was introduced to his 135 lb. lab, Dudley Do Wright (his last name is Wright) if you are a lab in this family, this is your name (not at all confusing). I brought the dog a chew toy earning me some instant points. He showed me this selection of homemade wine and moonshine. He doesn't drink all that much so this stuff has been sitting there for years, who knows what's in them. I was hungry so we picked out one of three restaurants nearby, Castaways; he had nachos and frog legs, perfect combo. I have never had frog legs and never will after watching a country boy tear em up. Gross. Double yuck. We had a good time and went back to the house for some pool lessons. He’s got a pool table in his house, I told him I suck at pool and now he is determined to teach me. Ok well go right ahead, but I can guarantee I am still gonna suck. After a few games it was time for bed, we gotta get some shut eye cause the cows need a feedin at first light.  He slept on the couch; me and the dog took his bed.

 
It's now right around dawn, he came in the bedroom and opened his safe to pick out a gun for the day (as ya do). He pulled out a long silver revolver and hands it too me before I can even open my eyes. I told him it was not a good idea to hand me a weapon before I’ve had my cereal. He points me in the direction of the kitchen while he loads his weapons. I really like this guy, but I think I fell in love when I saw the variety of cereal in his cabinets. He's got no food except for cereal, holy match made in heaven. I poured me some cocoa crispies and went to the window to check out the view out back. Um, Will is outside putting logs in the outdoor heater to heat the house. What?? Holy crap, I put down my cereal, ran and got my camera. I have never seen anything like this, we are using fire wood to heat the house, I am now waiting for Laura Ingalls to come running down the hill with her pail.

 
I am gonna have to stop here and finish up later, he will be here soon, time to meet my parents. We are all going to lunch and then the boys are going to play pool (my dad loves pool like he loves pool) and the girls are gonna go shopping. Wish me luck!!

 

testing out a theory

Ok I am gonna put on the kiddie gloves and walk gingerly into this post for fear of yet another blog discovery by a potential suitor.

I am going to the farm tomorrow. I will be meeting his family and seeing him in his element. Seeing him in his element is very important at this time. I need to see that it’s okay that he gets pedicures to relieve his working man farm feet of dry skin. I need to see that his passion for Nicholas Sparks’ novels is to offset the slaughtering of cows; I need to see that the Lionel Richie Cd's are to ease his mind after a long hard day of harvesting and roping cattle. The elements are gonna play in his favor, I just know it. Sarah has told me in the past that I need to be more dainty and lady-like with my men. Maybe this is the universe saying that I am not supposed to be the one getting manicures and reading romance novels. Maybe I am supposed to continue to wrestle at parties, head butt my guy friends and continue to use a pair of scissors and a red sharpie to touch up my pedicure from six months ago. Maybe I am supposed to wear the pants in the family and let my man pick daisies while I go hammer up some drywall. In my world, Lionel Richie is the dad of Paris Hilton’s BFF and Message in a Bottle and The Notebook got returned to the Red Box promptly on the due date.

Hmmmm it’s an interesting theory....I will let you know how it goes when I return.

 

fix it and forget it

Well I am in a whirlwind of crazy, but in a good way this time. This country boy, Will, has got me cracking up at his ways. He says what he means and means what he says, no filter needed. We had a great time at the game, met a lot of nice people in the suite. Most of them ended up giving me relationship advice. This guy is like no other, very very sweet and can't wait to get a first class ticket into my life. So far I have been on my best behavior and inserting quirkiness in small doses. He has now called Sarah to introduce himself. He thinks it’s important to know the people who mean the most to me. If he wants to meet all of the important people in my life I hope he has unlimited minutes on his phone plan and can spare a few weeks for several meet and greets. If you see a 931 area code pop up on your phone just answer it and don’t be shy. So far Sarah and Brandy both shined a light on my good qualities and he is happy with my rave reviews. Too fast?? Well who knows, I am just gonna go with it, I mean who am I to deny anyone a peek into my world when asked?

He has already taught me so much about the PH balances in cow’s milk and the way that their reproductive cycles work. I can't wait to get down to the farm this weekend and feed some babies cows with bottles. I see a reality show in my future. "Spazwell meets the cows." I am up for this new adventure into the country way of life and see where it leads.

 He has taken a few masseuse classes and knows how to relax people into a better life. He says he is gonna fix me like a horse whisperer. He knows I can't sleep very well and he says that he can fix me through ironing out the knots in my muscles and breathing energy into my brain (it’s probably not exactly what he said but it’s what I took away from the conversation). He has also felt the huge dent, I mean crater on my head (and did not run by the way).  I have this gully on the back of my head that could double as a dog bowl, he says he can fix that too. I am envisioning some sort of plunger and good yank with both feet planted. He thinks that the dent in my head is causing the blood in my brain to not flow like it should. OK OK that makes sense.

Ok almighty horse, muscle, body and soul whisperer from the deep woods, do your magic! I know I just probably described another nut job but it’s not like that at all. I am open to a holistic conditioning process; HEY I got nothing to lose JACK. I love Duck Dynasty. Ok gotta I go see who wins The Voice now..tah tah!

 

as ya do

Things are looking up! Aside from Crazypants blowing up my phone out of nowhere...I had me a good weekend.

My $34.99 I spent on Match.com has turned out to be a pretty good investment. I ordered me up one country boy and got one hand delivered.  He is CUUUNTRY y’all! We decided to go out Saturday night. We started off taking a stroll down Broadway; the first place we stopped was the Boot Store. I have known this guy for literally ten minutes and the next thing you know I am trying on boots. This place is known in Nashville cause its buy one pair get two pair free. Well he bought one pair and let me pick out the two pair that were "free.” I found me two pair in a hot minute and promptly brought them up the checkout counter. I promise I didn't notice the price tag on the one pair until the lady was ringing me up and since they ring up the most expensive pair, I kinda set the standard a bit high, on accident. Well he just looked at me and said he’d make some more money next week (that’s my kinda logic). Um ok then, so far this date is starting off with great story. These boots are so bad ass, I love them. First Brandy bought me a pair as a welcome to TN present (really I forgot my wallet when we went shopping) and now this, country folks are so nice. After that, I bought the guy an ice cream cone, it was the least I could do. After the ice cream cone we decided we were hungry so he took me to Stoney River for a delicious steak. We are having a great time, things are rolling right along and I can almost understand every word out of his Southern mouth. After dinner we hit the streets for a little honky tonk action. Had a blast at Legends, people were in Christmas costumes, Christmas lights everywhere, the vibe was on point. All and all we had a really good time. His name is Will (haven’t nicknamed him yet), he is very nice, easy to get along with and I can act exactly like myself when I am with him. He did spill his red wine all over the table and all over my new boots, what is with guys spilling wine at the table when they take me out to dinner? I took one for the team and told the waiter it was me, again, it was the least I could do.   He is taking me to watch the Titans Monday night game tomorrow night in a suite. Not too shabby. He lives on a farm, his family has about 1000 acres and next weekend I will be checking out his tractor.

Oh Mom and Dad, if you reading this, he wants to meet ya'll when you come up for Christmas and take us all out for dinner. He called up Brandy today to introduce himself, as ya do. Brandy gave a verbal stamp of approval until he proves otherwise.  We are still on high alert for red flags due to my obnoxious history. Brandy asked if I could please make this guy be the one, she said she is over it; she is done with my guy search so I am going to try and do her this one favor. Although, in my defense I haven’t been looking, I was simply casually trolling on this site and I was going to give it one month. I am still reading my book on being patient that Ms. Kathy Goodwin gave me, and I think it really has helped, so you never know.

 

Hear yee hear yee!

Well this last post definitely wins the prize for "Most Interactive." The comments kept going well into this afternoon but I think the court room drama has finally come to a close.

 
The prosecution was top notch, the defense gave it a good go but unfortunately half of the evidence was circumstantial. All other evidence was not submissable in a court of law. After hours and hours of deliberation, cross examinations and cross referencing transcripts, the comments were stricken from the record. All perjury accusations have been thrown out due to hear-say. The objections were over-ruled, character assignations, leading the witness, and slander were all duly noted but the prosecution rests. The verdict is in and a jury of my peers have spoken. Spazwell is victorious! The defendant is excused from her life and the judge has sentenced the defendant to a lifelong gag order without parole. Appeals are restricted and a life of tranquility and peace will resume. The court thanks everyone for serving, following through with their civic duties and mostly for being bad asses. Court is adjourned.

 

 

 

I do what I gotta do

Ok enough is enough, I must call someone out and I warn everyone this is not a good side of me but this ass-clown has left me no choice. My Match.com experience has started off with a bang and not in a good way. I got a message this morning referring to yesterday’s post.  I have copied and pasted the message below but let me first remind everyone of who this message is from. This is the guy who I went on a date with from POF, after our date he went home, googled me, found my blog and read it from cover to cover in one sitting. On our next date he told me what he'd done and proceeded to interrogate on some of the content including Hank. This probably went down as the most uncomfortable date in history. Thank goodness I was on my lunch break so I had an out; I went back to work and told everyone about it. Since then he has been making comments on my blog, I have been ignoring them cause I didn't want to be mean, hoping he'd go way. Now that I have refreshed everyone’s memory, see below on this lovely message I got this morning:

 

"I saw your blog that you said you already seen guys from POF here on Match. I am sure I am one of them. Just don’t get it..I did nothing to you to deserve the hate. I simply called you out and you got mad and never contacted me (as you said you would) when you came back from Vegas.

So get off your high horse and stop pretending to be someone you are not!!! You weren’t that cute in the first place. "

 
Ok first of all, I have no idea why your think my comment was even about you, it’s not all about you Jason! We went out and I didn't like you so I told you I wasn't interested, you said that was fine and you wished me luck. Since then I changed my number but you continued to tune into my blog, you capitalized on the fact that there was a comment section and used it as a vehicle to continue to contact me. Guess what, no one cares about your comments, you ruin the vibe of things and we don't care about your opinions. We went out, I tried you on for size, and you didn't fit…THE END! Take a hint dude, let it go, you have now graduated from creepy to annoying to rude…congratulations!  I don’t know you and somehow you think its ok to chime in on my life. You tell me to get off of my high horse? Ha that’s funny, even if I was on my high horse, who cares, it’s my blog and I do what I want! You tell me to stop pretending to be someone I’m not, well let me tell you a little bit about who I am, I am someone who has a blog who has the right to say what is on my mind without ridicule. Why you are still reading it is beyond me and frankly a little pathetic. If you want to speak your peace, get your own blog; stop using mine as a platform and a way to continue to stay in my life. You try and take jabs at my looks, again, no one cares. If I could block you from my public blog I would so here’s what I suggest you do, take your class ring and your “Jason” tattoo and GET TA STEPPIN!!!

 

explanations are in order

Well its official, I signed up for one month of Match.com. I have already seen some familiar faces from POF, yuck. I am rolling the dice once more to see if I get dealt a better hand, perhaps even hit the jackpot and become a winner winner chicken dinner.

 First off, I would like to extend another apology to my very good friend and number one fan, Sarah. I woke up at 430am and saw I had a few texts from her. They were pictures of her and my ex-boyfriend Gary and my dog, Jake. She was in Atlanta and apparently ran into him. I was half asleep and fully consumed with unstable hormones. I suddenly became furious and sent some not nice texts about her not calling me back earlier that day. I think I was jealous or something, she looked so good and they looked so happy and I wasn’t there! Once I woke back up at a more respectable hour, I knocked the cob webs out of my head and realized I screwed up. Holy moly, my hormonally induced behavior put me straight in the dog house. I am so sorry girl; you didn't deserve any of that nonsense. I would like to delete that incident from our lives please.

On a lighter note, Friday night was our company Christmas party. I risked being assumed a lesbian by the wives of my co-workers and asked Brandy to be my plus-one. We had a blast; we had dinner at a Brazilian Steakhouse and ate like champions. We drank, ate and were very merry. I sat in between Vickie and Brandy and we laughed all night long. One of the highlights was watching my coworker, Paul, get serenaded by the whole staff after Vickie told the server it was his birthday. It wasn't his birthday and his face was priceless. The other huge highlight was a Christmas bonus!!! YAY!!! I didn't waste any time, woke up Saturday morning and headed straight to Wal-Mart. I hooked my bed up with a memory foam topper, some nice pillows, sheets and a blanket. It was very hard to pick out a pillow so I took advantage of the aisle and laid down on each pillow they had and finally made a decision. I am now committed to change my life from a sleeping standpoint. My mattress topper gets here in a week, so I will keep you posted.

Brandy and I had a long talk when we got back to my apartment on a stunt a pulled without consulting the elders or advisers. When I got back from Vegas I put my version of a thank you card in the mail addressed to Brandy's cousin, Jeff. Well the card was supposed to be funny and I wrote a sweet message in it, I sprayed it with perfume and kissed it with lipstick. I then printed out a picture of him from the hike and wrote on the back "Here's to leaving a better person"  I stuck $30 cash in it and put a post-it note on it that said "for services rendered." This was supposed to be a joke and would explain it when he called me. The $30 was for the last meal that I let him pay for,  I felt bad, I should of paid for it and wanted to pay him back. Well I never got to explain cause he never called me. Everyone, including my Mom, has had the same reaction: "You did what??!!" I am standing behind the silliness and the sincerity of it but no one seems to see it that way. I do agree that there were too many moving parts for a thank you card. I guess I will chalk it up to another lesson learned. I took matters into my own hands, did not reach out for a second opinion and it got me nowhere fast. If a guy doesn't get my humor, I can't help him. Oh well, next!

On that note I gotta get back to my manhunt, wish me luck!

 

Sweet Emotions

 

Well after a heart wrenching loss of my beloved Bulldawgs on Saturday, I decided to parlay my emotions into a call to my cousin. I guess it’s safe to say that after 1 year and 3 months it took a 3 1/2 hour conversation to mend the fence that kept us apart. I turned my anger into strength and traveled the high road for a bit. As everyone knows it was a long hard road of thinking and talking to get here. I gave in for a few reasons, mostly because I realized that family is important right now and we are pretty much the glue that holds both families together. So, there ya go, I stepped up and stopped being angry. She is now living in Flat Rock, Alabama with him and that is all I care to know right now, baby steps. She is only 1 1/2 hours away from my family in Georgia, so I sent her down there on my behalf to do the dishes and keep my mom company for a couple of days.

So now that that is settled, I have made a decision, to use the $20 Amy gave me and put it towards a Match.com membership. The trauma of Crazypants has subsided and I think I am ready to face the big bad world of online dating again. I swore to Marybeth that I would never go on POF again and I haven’t, so here goes round two of the nonsense. I will start this weekend. I am not sure what sparked it, not sure if it was learning that I let Hank get snatched up by another chippy. Yes Amber, it’s true, I let that guy slip through my fingers and he is now in deep with some other broad. We are still friends and will continue to hang out, he has already told his girl about me and she is cool with me staying in his life. He has lost 65 lbs. since I have known him and according to him he looks damn good (I can smell the smoke coming out of Amber’s ears).


My job as the manager of the zoo we call an office is quite insane. So far I have yelled at everyone. For some reason my desk has become the go-to desk for everything. I have a head-set on so no one ever knows when I am on the phone. I now shush people when I can’t hear and I yell at people who think that my desk is their own personal Office Max. I spend a good chunk of my day trying not to beat people with my stapler when they ask me to menial tasks that they are more than capable of doing themselves. I have a HUGE new respect for receptionists. I wouldn't mind being interrupted all day if had nothing else to do other than shell out post-it notes, paper clips and envelopes. BUT that is not the case; multi-tasking is quickly becoming one of my top qualities as I juggle 45 job titles. I am counting on using my anger for strength again real soon, I am not angry per say, but I am vocal.


I am super excited about being broke for only one more day. Not that I am not thankful for all the free deer meat that has kept me alive the past several days, but I am of bite of venison away from scampering through a meadow while dodging bullets from high-powered rifles. Come on payday!

 

 

 

 

 

Holy craps Kennys!

WHAT???!!! HOLY CRAP!!! I just looked at my stats...as of right now I have had 10 THOUSAND and 5 VIEWS of this blog!!!!!!! Whoa! That is mega huge!!!! Just think, if I actually had been trying to make money off this bloody thing, I may not be free eating deer meat (courtesy of Brandy's brother) till I get paid in 7 days. WOW! Thank you for 10,005 views in a year and 4 months that's very cool, I thank you for keeping up with me! I am just beside myself!!! Wow.

Ok now for the true topic of the night...my BESTIE'S Birthday! I want to take a minute and dedicate a few words to this amazing human. I am not even gonna talk about the fact that I was sent out to get Christmas decorations for the office today. I came back with red, white and blue decorations and got accused of mixing up the holidays again. Well I like red and silver decorations and at the last minute decided that I had too much red and silver so I threw in some color, it just so happened to be blue. I got back and emptied the bags on the counter and yes it did look like I should have also picked up some Roman candles for Christmas at Servpro but whatever. I just told them that I am an American and I believe in this country. My explanation didn't hold up very long when they opened the fake tree I bought and it was electric blue. OOOPSY! It looked green on the box, whatevs, they should have known better than to send me, I am ok with a traditional flamboyant Christmas.

So anyway, back to my topic at hand, BRANDY's Birthday!!! Here's one bit of funniness, for a good part of the year Brandy  thought she was already 36, so it was a nice surprise for her that she was only 35 and she actually gained a year by not being able to do the math, nice work girl.

Where to start where to start….Brandy, she is my rock, my best friend, my elder, my top advisor, my laughing partner, loan advisor, my key holder to my secret vault, my girl, my sister. We have been friends for 17 years; I met her in college back when she looked like Ricky Lake. We were in the same sorority, a sorority that would only house our kind, the opposite of any sorority girl. She was this bad ass from Woodstock who had her own agenda and own opinions. She was not to be crossed but someone who would have your back. We lived together after college, I am not sure how she put up with me, but we made it an adventure. We painted our living room Pepto-Bismol pink and lived lives as we saw fit. We rescued each other from stupid decisions, I made sure she got down from the roof when she got herself stuck and she made sure I didn’t almost make the kitchen a drive-thru with my car again. She forgave me for me getting us into a wreck when I covered the eyes of our sober driver while he was driving us up our wooded driveway and forced us to have a head-on collision with a tree. She has been there through it all. She has laughed with me, she has walked me through life step by step, and I have learned some valuable lessons when I didn’t take her advice. She is hilarious, loyal, a good listener and doesn’t sweat the small stuff. We have honestly gotten into 2 maybe 3 fights in our friendship and I am probably taking the blame for all 3. She took me in when I made the move to Tennessee and motivated me to make a life for myself here. She coined my phrase: “Make a way out of no way”  and that I have, over and over again. Knowing that I forget my purse on a weekly basis tells me that I couldn’t live without her. She is my right brain, she gets my jokes, she gets me, we 1000 inside jokes we share on Patio 457 and I hope she knows how much she means to me. Happy Birthday girl, I hope you enjoy the phone charger that I gave you and I can’t wait to celebrate with you next weekend!

Cheers to being 36…again!

 

Muchos Gracias!

I have had many many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving season. I am thankful that I got to go see my parents. I am thankful that I got to hitch a ride with Brandy on the way down. I am thankful we got to hang out at our old watering hole/college job, Taco Mac Woodstock, the night before Thanksgiving with our ol pal Nena. We had a great time, we laughed very very hard, mostly at the fact the we learned that Nena used to have a club foot and a lazy eye at the same time when she was little. It was a "had to be there moment" and the timing of the conversation was a perfect recipe for a 20 minutes belly laugh out of each of us. You think after 17 years this would have come up in some fashion, but nope and until the class pictures came out, Nena had no idea she looked any different. Bless her little Pirate Patch Forrest Gump heart.

 
Brandy dropped me off with my Dad Thanksgiving morning and we proceeded to the sticks for some grub and family fun. My mom had informed that it was my turn to start making the infamous chocolate pie, she said that this year she was fired, I mean retired from the duty.

Ok here is the thing, my Grandma had this amazing chocolate pie recipe that used to be delicious, but over the years Mom decided to in one way or another to "tweak" the ingredients. We all know that they are borderline purist when it comes to the menu but that doesn't mot mean take out key ingredients such as sugar and think that molasses would be a proper replacement one year. There was the year of the cocoa instead of chocolate chips, the year of the wheat soy crust debacle and I am pretty sure there was a dark chocolate and plain yogurt instead of whip cream incident. It became a fun traditional guessing game to see if this year’s pie would be edible. The only standard we held it too was if the pie turned into pie soup when it hit the plate then we knew it was at least consistent in one regard even if it didn’t taste like anything we’ve ever had before.

Well this year I got the baton tossed my way and I got to take a stab at it. Everything was from scratch, Mom and I tackled this together, it was so much fun, she read the ingredients, pointed out what was what and I did the heavy lifting. It was a huge success!!! Many many moons later we got our old pie back. I tried to convince my dad and brother that mom and helped me but they didn't believe me, ha. It’s true, without her help I would have made nothing but a mess. We did it and we did it together.

Next thing I am thankful for was the opportunity to conquer yet another fear. I am on a roll people, finally after many years in fear of anything that did not have a seat belt; I got on the back of my Dad’s Harley! Let me rewind a bit, I remember shaking on the back of a moped in Key West with Gary going like 10 MPH. A couple years later, I tried to ride on the Harley and squeezed my Dad so tight that he had to turn around, apparently being able to breathe is important when driving a motor cycle. I hopped on the back with my Mom's Harley garb on and rode with zero fear, hell I didn't even hold on to my dad, no hands no hands! It was awesome! I am pretty sure I can do anything; did I mention I drive over the mountain without a blinking the week before?? If you find me sitting outside during a thunderstorm I will be officially over my fears, but we are in no hurry, we must respect the storms and stay out of their way.

It was a great stay with my parents, Mom and I laid in the bed and had girl time, me and dad took longs walks had our time and in between I hung out with the dog. Mom is going through a challenging time with her new Chemo treatment but that doesn’t stop her from laughing and making everyone smile! She made a few abstract pieces of art and some paintings over the last little while. She gave me a couple, they all have meaning and I videoed her telling me what they meant and captured a few laughs along the way, it was pretty cool. She asked me not to show them for fear of people may think she is crazy, um Mom we don't worry about things like that, we are Baswells remember?

 
Anyway next time I will write about me army crawling across the street to surprise my Decatur crew and earlier today when I flossed my teeth with a piece of paper in front of my project manager while sitting in his office. I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I was picking the avocado off of the corner and handing this report to him. I need to stamp the phrase "be aware of your surroundings" on my hand. Earlier that day he asked me to measure a window in the office while he was on the phone at Lowes picking up material for the window. I promptly told him it was 3 feet and 13 1/2 inches wide. He was silent and then said or 4 feet 1 1/2 inches? Eh I mean if you want to get technical I guess.

Maybe the last thing I should be thankful for is the ability to take myself with a grain of salt and have the abilty to train people into having little to no reaction to my antics.

 

 

one man band

Ok so it’s been a week since I blogged but I didn't want to ruin my surprise. I went to Atlanta to watch Jake, get my hair cut and go to surprise everyone at Patti's Thanksgiving party. I got into town on Friday night after leaving early on Friday to skip the traffic. Silly me, I am going to Atlanta, I will never skip traffic. I hate Atlanta for that reason! No matter what day it is, what time it is, I am going to sit in traffic..blah! I left early Friday, kinda glad because I just got offered the coveted position of receptionist at my job. Um what? Que? Como? Heh? Come again? WHAT?!

Ok let's figure this out, our current receptionist was let go, so let’s give Spazwell her job, stick her in the front to answer the phones while doing her three other jobs and see how that goes. I needed time to digest this and unravel this spaghetti idea that is chillin in my brain. I have no idea if my bosses read this and thus far I have been pretty good about keeping my opinions to myself about work, but hey boss, this is a terrible idea. I am not sure if we have been properly introduced, I have Attention Deficit Disorder, the read deal, the kind where the only thing I see during a car crash while window shopping on a busy street in Atlanta is the shiny ball hanging in the window of a novelty shop.

I have now four jobs titles, I am imagining the phone ringing and its some lady who's supply line in her bathroom upstairs has just exploded and it is now raining in her kitchen, the UPS guy will want me to let him in the gate, the painter will want me to write him an $8,000 check while reconciling the credit cards and while I am asking an adjuster to pay for anti-microbial spray on a mold job. By the time that scenario plays out I would have paid the lady with the flood $8000, gave the credit card to the UPS guy, told the painter that we are not going to use anti-microbial on his mold and then no one is happy. Today was my first day cause I called in sick yesterday and I already want to back to my office!!! I told Ryan today that I don't want to work in the zoo, he told me that I would be good a managing the zoo, I really didn’t feel like arguing so I just said thanks and went back to my new spot, Grand Central Station.

I am still sick, so I need to go lay down, I am heading back to Georgia tomorrow with Brandy. She is dumping me off with my parents so I don't have to drive back down again by myself YAY! I will blog when I am my parents. Excited about seeing them!!

 

one time, one shot, one bullet

I love the Voice! I just got done watching the results show, I never watch the results show I always just fast forward to the end, but this is truly entertaining. That damn Christina can't help it, I’m always rooting for her but she makes it hard when she comes out looking like the love child of Mrs. Hannigan from Annie and Miss Piggy in Drag. Seriously girl, it’s cool you got curves but geez; work it a little less hunny. Brandy said she looked like a reject from the hunger games and could do a Bridal shoot for Lane Bryant.

Anyway, back to the Utah/Vegas saga, its time I wrapped this baby up. Long story short, I woke up the next morning, got dressed, and we headed out for two more short and easy but beautiful hikes. It was an amazing two days in Utah, first time there and I believe Jeff when he says he always leaves Zion a better person.

One packed up car, one tunnel through a mountain, a few pics and we are off back to Vegas. Three hours later we arrive. Somehow we managed to muster up just enough energy to go eat so damn tasty Sushi and well that was about it. Lights out early. Wake up refreshed for our Sunday funday. We talked about shooting some guns on our hike, so that is what we did. Let me give you a little background on my gun experience. I have always claimed to be terrified of deadly weapons and just thought it to be a good idea for Spazwell to stay clear of anything that could blow off toes and/or people’s heads. I did shoot one rifle one time with my dad and brother on his land. I was shaking the whole time and couldn't wait to put the damn thing down. I may have been a little misleading when I told Jeff I had been shooting before with my dad, I guess I forgot the one time, one shot, and one bullet part. Jeff picks out a gun from his arsenal and we head to the shooting range. I am of course excited; I get to put one more illusion of a fear to rest. We are sitting there waiting on our turn and this girl asks me if this was my first time, I answer yes. Jeff's eyes get all big and was like, um what? I said yes this is my first time shooting. “You said you shot with your dad.”  Yes I know once, one time, one shot, one bullet. He calmly sets down his phone, takes a deep breath and says this may be a good time to teach you, we should start with safety. Great idea, oh but wait, I have a question, “Why are we using real bullets? Why not blanks?” “Um so we can see where we are shooting and blanks are for the movies.” Ok cool got it.

 
We go over the Cliffnote version of how to aim and what not to do and then it was our turn. We put on our goggles, our ear phones and head on in. He loads the gun, I watch, we shoots the target I watch. Ok now it’s time to take my five minute lesson and apply it accordingly. I load the magazine and aim, look as awkward as humanly possible and shoot. WHOA, that 40 mil has got a kick to it!

I did good! He let me shot most of the 150 rounds that we had, I got more and more comfortable and I loved it. I only put him in danger once when I waived the gun around just as a hot as hell shell goes flying through the air and straight down my shirt. Other than that, when the other two shells went down my shirt, I managed to hold my composure. So all and all it was a blast, I for sure want to do it again and who knows, maybe I get my own gun one of these days.

After that we went and got a bite to eat, watched the Steeler game and off the airport we went. I am now hoping that they don’t test my hands for gun residue like they did on the way out after I left my phone on my pocket through the metal detectors.

Great trip! Good stiff, I achieved my goal of not dying and all is good. Jeff was a great host and hopefully their will be another adventure in my future.

sweet and sour

Before I bring my trip to an end, I wanna give a couple of my friends a shout out.

Stuart and Stephanie, my buddy's from Atlanta, congrats on the bouncing baby girl! I know you took the rocky road to get here but you made it and I am so incredibly happy for your both! I can't wait to meet little Eve, I am sure she is precious!

Also, to my friend Amanda, not sure if you are still reading or you jumped ship during the boring times. If you are listening, I want you to know that my prayers and thoughts are with you. I know this is not something you signed up for but just know that you have so many people in your corner to help you fold these stupid cancer cards you've been dealt. The girls of AXO know how to hold em, know how to fold em, and know how to walk way. You got this girl, keep on keepin on and just remember that the Sunflowers in your life have your back. XOXOXO.

Well now it seems silly to wrap up my trip today, I kinda wanna dedicate this post to my friends and hold up a ribbon or something.

 

Part 3 Utah

It’s the bed and breakfast portion of the story, so Cousin Brandy, we are about to test out your gag reflexes. This is the most amazing house just off the canyon of this beautiful park. There is a steam shower and a huge space ship of a  massage chair, um yes, I will take one steam shower and one massage after a day of hiking please. Then I will light that fireplace and jump into the humongous jetted tub. Bath salts, yes please, there is a reason that they didn't have bubble bath sitting out, but no worries I have my body wash that I will use. Um jets plus body wash equals a room full of suds just in case anyone didn't get that memo. We had such a good time talking until the bubbles subsided and we had turned into a couple of  prunes (of course we had our bathing suits on Mom and Dad).  He asked me why I was still single and I had about an hour long answer for him that he patiently sat through. I basically said that I am not going to settle for anything less than true happiness. I skipped over all of the “on the prowl” stories; less is more when it comes to explanations of my dating record. After we are 100% rejuvenated, slipped into our matching silk robes and we get ready for our date at the fancy restaurant down the street.

 
We settle in and order some grub, since this weekend was about trying new stuff, I order me up some lamb. Um yuck. It was not good; he said that it was because it was not grass fed or something to that nature. He was so sweet and traded his dinner for mine and I got to eat his yummy pesto pasta. He ordered a bottle of wine so any lamb tastes left on my pallet were quickly washed away. We were having a great time, chatting, laughing and then the real laughing began. He held up the bottle of wine and was reading the bottle, this bottle slips through his fingertips and comes crashing down on the glass table. Red wine comes spewing out of the bottle all over him and well the table is now shattered. Haha! Holy crap, this is too much to take in at once. We are both just sitting there with dumb looks on our faces. I thought stuff like that only happened to me, I was pleased to be the passenger and not the driver of this train wreck. Excuse me waiter, can you please add one glass table to our check? The waiter was totally cool and said (in an attempt to make poor mortified Jeff feel better) that he is surprised that it doesn't happen more often. Ha! Jeff quickly paid the check; I’m a guessing a hefty tip and we got the hell out of there.

 
We get back to the room and fall asleep watching a Duck calling reality show, so romantic.

 

father time is handing out minutes

Ok so this week has been a fairly bonehead free week, with the exception of a few dumb things that came out of my mouth at work. Bonehead free until now. I go out with a few co-workers last night, I get home, I’m exhausted, I get into my comfies and hunker down for the night. I recently discovered that I sleep much better on my couch than I do my bed, so lately I have opted to slumber on the couch and use my phone as my alarm. I get under the covers and realize that I left my phone in the car. Since I've already tucked myself in to my couch I decided it was not worth the trip down the stairs in the freezing cold to get it. So I set my alarm in my room and crank up the radio so I am sure to hear it in the morning. Sure enough, the alarm goes off, I get up and make my way to the shower. I get dressed and head out to go to work. I get in the car look at the clock, um yea its 630am and not 730am like I thought. Since I've been back in town I haven’t slept in my bed so I didn't change the time with the rest of the America when daylight saving occurred. Are you freakin kidding me?! Holy crap, I sat there for a few minutes and banged my head against the steering wheel. I decided to take advantage of my gift of time, went grocery shopping and now I’m writing this here blog. Do I wish I slept an extra hour? Hell yes, but I chose to look at like I get to be awake an extra hour, not many people get to add time to their day, lucky me.

 

Part two of the death hike

Ok so we arrive to Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park in Utah. Grad some sandwiches, a couple of Cliff bars (totally appropriate) and I am pumped! We got out of the car, its cold in the shade so I layer up with a pants, a wind breaker and head up the mountain. It’s now like 73 degrees so it doesn't take long for me to shed my jacket. The weather is perfect!! Keep in mind I have been training for this so I am ready, but about 20 minutes in I am sweating like crazy. Jeff is like “you are like sweating, are you ok?” I found a bush, ditch my pants and I feel like a brand new person. I am wearing my not so typical hiker attire, I got my shorts lined with pink stripes, I got my pink shirt, I got my pink visor and my pink breast cancer bracelets on, this pink lady is ready for anything.

About 2 hours in we get to the sketchy part and I plaster myself to the rock and hold on tight to the chain. The people who we met on the way up are behind me and laughing. I am like inching my way up sideways, holding on to the mountain. Jeff skips up the mountain like a little monkey and tells me to freakin walk upright like a human and it will be much easier. "You look ridiculous!" “I don’t care, this chain is here for a reason and I am not leaving it!" He heads up and I tell the people behind me that my fearless leader has left me but is all good cause I’m becoming one with the mountain. They were laughing and said that at least I had a sense of humor. I make them laugh a little bit and I finally start to man up, get my bearings and realize I can walk upright like a human, all is good. I dig deep, forward motion and just go for it. I scaled up the mountain, trying not to look down and just focus on getting to the top. I am now shocking the hell out of myself; I feel zero fear and make it known. I am not scared at all and just do it, oh but not before Jeff points out the exact spot the last lady lost her footing and falls to her death, thanks Jeff. We get to the top, chit chatting with the same family we keep passing and I am feeling good. We are now like 2000 feet up and the view is amazing! I did it, I made it to the top, I told Jeff I was freakin proud of myself and he said "you didn't just do it, you killed it!" Yeehaw! I cannot disagree, he said that every time he comes to this park he leaves a better person and I totally understand what he is saying.

 I love hanging out with this kid, he brings out my inner bad ass and I love it. Last time I was leaping off tall cliffs into the Colorado River and now I’m scaling tall mountains. Once I do it, all I want to do is find the next challenge. Next thing I want to do is repel and sky dive. My little skittish self was just an illusion; I am an adrelin junkie just waiting to happen. So we have lunch at the top, relax, breath in and out, then head back down the same way we came up. Now I get to pause and check out the view, its breath taking. My job is done; it took three hours to get to the top and one hour down. It’s time to head to the bed and breakfast and relax!

Part 3 tomorrow.

 

Someone call someone.....I'm alive!

I did it and live to tell about it! My trip was amazing and it went a little something like this:

I get dropped off at the airport and I am not there 10 minutes before I hear my name over the loud speaker. "Stephanie Baswell, Stephanie Baswell please report to security" What? What did I do now? “Um ma'am you are gonna need your boarding pass to board the plane and you’re gonna need your watch to know what time to board the plane.” Ok good call security lady, good call, thanks for recuing my belongings from the security bin. That's when I realized I hadn't given myself the whole "don’t lose anything" speech. I had a talk with myself and set out to wait three hours till my plane was ready for me. I go to the bar to grab a bite to eat and see what kind of interesting people I can strike up a conversation with. I met this stoner snowboarder from Kentucky, I tell him where I’m going and he is familiar with the hike. He then offers to buy me a drink, he said if he sees me on the news in the next couple of days after plummeting to my death he wants to tell his friends that he bought me a drink. Ok thanks, that is very comforting. I made a few more friends talking football and finally it was time to board. I settle into my seat and we are off. It’s not long before I realize that I am the lucky girl who gets to sit near the devil child who seemingly had a few espresso shots for breakfast. This kid is like three and spent the entire flight kicking seats, slamming trays, throwing cups, snacks and anything else he could get his hands on to line the aisle floor with. He screamed the entire time and his mom just sat there like nothing was happening and just kept giving him fried chicken. This child is now slinging chicken all over the plane and he turns to me and starts yelling. I didn't feel bad flipping him off as he was ruining my movie. We land in Denver and I watch this mom put her kid on leash and head to the next plane, it’s just so happens to be the my next plane...nooooo!!!!

I got off without killing anyone and wait for the next plane. I board and cross my fingers that I sit with adults. I got lucky, I sat next to this cool couple from Chicago, we all had a blast on this flight, we talked and laughed the whole time. We exchanged numbers, they got my blog address and we are now going to hang out in Vegas on Saturday night. If that didn’t work out they are gonna come and visit me in Nashville. If you are reading this, hey Tia, hey Collin, it was nice to meet ya!

I finally arrive in Vegas and Jeff is waiting to pick me up. We load up his jeep with my three bags, one purse, one back pack and one overstuffed, heavy suitcase with super strong zippers. Its Thursday night and we are gonna go back to his house and cook some dinner. We have some Salmon, chill out and get ready for my second leg of the trip...Zion National Park, Utah.

Friday morning, car is packed and its road trip time. We have Tony Stewart behind the wheel and head out into the mountains at top speed. I have now been up for a while and have not have had breakfast. No one gave Jeff the memo that I usually eat before I open my eyes in morning and that its just a safe bet to always make it a prioty to feed me for doing anything else. He gave me some pineapple to munch on so I was cool as we drove through the desert to the nearest diner. We stop and I indulged myself with carbs, oh carbs how I’ve missed you. I am now full and ready to get back in the car with Dale Jr.for the sencond half of the trip. It’s so funny, I have to take a Zanex to drive over the mountain to Atlanta but Jeff is taking sharp curves and huge mountain roads on two wheels and I am totally cool. We arrive after an amazing scenic drive and I am ready to gitty up this moutain/cliff/death trail!

 I have to stop here and get ready for my semi-weekly conference call with Christine and Patti so I will resume this tomorrow….stay tuned for part 2.

 

Here goes nothin!

Today is monumental, here it is Halloween and I did not each one piece of candy! The office was infested with it and Miss Chocolate USA did not have one piece of it! I deserve some kind of medal; I just sat there, ate my cucumber slices and pretended like they were Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I don't think I have ever been this disciplined in my life even when I trained for the marathon. I distinctly remember sitting at my desk last year and eating an obscene about of candy to the point of physical sickness. But this year, I feel great and I am ready for my trip.

 
The reason behind this insane eating/workout regimen is as follows. Tomorrow, when I fly out to Vegas, Jeff and I then drive to Utah to hike for a couple of days. This is not just any hike; this is THE hike, a very very dangerous hike that involves a sheer cliff. This cliff is called Angel’s Landing at Zion National Park (Google it) and it’s no freakin joke. Once you get to the top of this cliff (I've watched several videos) you get to walk across a narrow path with a 1500 foot drop on one side and a 800 foot drop on the other with nothing but a hope, a prayer and chain to hold onto. If you trip or make one wrong move on this particular part of the trail you are a gonner, no if, ands or buts. BUT my Dad had asked me to think only positive things and stop talking like that, so I am going to concentrate on the not dying part and focus on the fact that this is my Grand Canyon.

 
People ask me, why take such a risk? Well I'll tell you, I don't want to pass up an opportunity to go on one of the best hikes in the world and I owe it to myself. A few years ago I trained for 5 months to hike the Grand Canyon. This was an event through Team in Training and I raised all kinds of money for cancer research. Instead of going to the airport to meet my team, I took a detour to the hospital and stayed there for the next 4 days. I had Viral Meningitis and had to miss the hike. People were calling me from the airport asking where I was but I couldn't answer because I was busy getting a spinal tap. SO this is why I a want and need to do this hike. I am super excited and hopefully after a few hundred chats with God on the way up the mountain I will have the experience that I missed out on. Here is where all of you come in, I need for everyone to take a moment, send up a prayer, toss a few pennies in a fountain, blow some eye lashes off of your finger, pick a four leaf clover whatever brings me the most luck and strength to make it a success, I would appreciate it.

 

Much love to everyone and I can’t wait to get back and tell you all about it.

 

WISH ME LUCK!!!!! (seriously)

 

Twilight zone

Today went like this: morning worked out arms, went to work, ran two miles at lunch, got haircut and then back home to cook dinner and do abs. It’s like I’m a machine. I swear I dipped in and out of the Twilight zone throughout the day. I am standing in the world’s longest line in the gas station and this guy leans in and whispers in my ear, "Everyone is going bell bottoms." I just pretend to not hear him and then this tall old guy with long white hair leans in again, "remember when bell bottoms were in style?" I turned and said "how old do you think I am?" Then he says “That’s why I grew my hair out" and then proceeded to recite the lyrics to song Signs.

"And the sign says Long-haired freaky people need not apply
So I put my hair up under my hat and I went in to ask him why
He said you look like a fine outstanding young man, I think you'll do
So I took off my hat, I said "Imagine that, huh, me working for you"

He wasn’t singing it he was just talking with a bit of conviction. After I checked out, I watched him put his large coffee cup full of ice and a Fanta Orange on the counter and I told him to have a good day. Then I went to the post office where time stopped. Two ladies in front of me, one with four pairs of glasses on her head. I am glad I got to stand there for a good 15 minutes to try and figure out why while the lady at the head of the line picked out her Christmas stamps. She may have been 108 years old and she was in no hurry.

 
I then head to the mall to get my hair cut, this is the first time I am going somewhere other than my hairdresser in Atlanta. I show this picture I found on the internet to this flaming fruitcake of what I want and he talks me out of it. He said he loves my length and that since its winter he doesn't want my neck to get chilly. Whatever just cut it already. Um it looks exactly the same as when I walked in there. He says to me that all haircuts are the same; it’s just the way you style it. Oh ok, well that makes sense. So he styled it with a curling iron and now I look like Barbara Mandrel. I just looked at it said hphm, paid him and walked out. I really wanted to go back in there and tell him to do what I asked but then I run the risk of him jacking it all up. So there you go.

 

victory! FU UF!

Well I just got flat out yelled at this morning. Sarah I am not ruining your life by not blogging, stop being so dramatic, haha. Sometimes I like to test your loyalty and you passed the test, its nice to be wanted, so thanks girl. I have a good excuse to not having time to report back this past week. I will explain myself in a mere moment. First I want to gloat a little on the BIG win yesterday! We beat the big bad Gators! YAY! I knew we would, I had this feeling all week. FU UF! I made the most of my situation, the situation being that I sat at home and watched the game by myself. This is way way out of the ordinary; I am usually surrounded by my dear friends at Marybeth's GA/FLA party. Well she didn't have it this year; I think this party has been going on for about a decade so it was weird and sad. But at least I didn't have to make the drive. I sat here and did the next best thing, by spending the entire game on the phone; if I wasn't talking I was texting, if I wasn't texting or talking I was posting something on Facebook. I had to surround myself with my peeps one way or the other. It actually worked; I had a pretty good time pretending I wasn't all alone. I am becoming pretty good at this being alone thing. Kelly no longer speaks to me, which will forever remain a mystery. Brandy chimes in when she can; she came up and took me to lunch to other day and that was fun of course. We had one laugh after another in between bites of the salad bar at Jason's deli. She brought her cute cute oh so cute puppy up with her. This little guy is replacing the late Kilo. Kilo decided he had enough of everyone and took off after 13 years. He never returned so this stunt double puppy has come to take over, his name is Deuce and he is a 10 week old miniature Dotson.

Oh wait let me not forget to mention that Crazy Pants interrupted the game with a text telling me that he couldn't find a date to the awards and wondered if I would go. Um let me see, I thought my old yet immature ass was supposed to live a long lonely life, how am I going to do this if you keep asking me out? I just ignored psycho. He did follow-up to tell that he did end up finding date like two hours later. Phew thank goodness, I was worried and I do appreciate him keeping me in the loop.

 
Ok to back to the reason behind this week’s hiatus. I have been working out like a fiend, sometimes two and three times a day. I am on a mission and I cannot be stopped. On Thursday I am going to Vegas for a hiking trip with Brandy’s cousin Jeff. Yes, back I go, we spoke a lot about hiking the last time I was there, I told him I would be back to hike and I meant it. I took my bonus and bought a plane ticket. Every bonus I get from now on will be for a trip. Brandy and I have committed ourselves to go on a trip every six months, pretty good plan if you ask me. I will be flying in to Vegas Thursday night, waking up Friday morning and driving to Utah for a couple of days. I have been working out like a maniac training for this sucker. This week I will be doing more of the same. I will be blogging all week to fill you in on the details and to ask everyone to go find a four leaf clover, pitch a few pennies into a fountain and blow an eyelash off of the tip of your finger and your wish will be that I not die. More details on why this is important tomorrow.

 

my mug

Today was good, went to a huge celebration at church, it was the 10 year anniversary so there was a huge party afterwards on the square. I ran into my boss and he introduced me to his friends, they were like “you are the girl that was on the big screen!”  Um what? Apparently one Sunday that I wasn't there they were talking about the people who got baptized and my face was on the big screen for like 30 seconds. My boss had told me about it but I had forgotten, until now. It was the shot of me right after I came out of the water with a big smile on my face. I then ran into my friends Gary and Heidi who I know from Atlanta (from the Decatur crew), I had no idea they even went to this church. They told me they saw my picture on the big screen too. Gary said it was the strangest moment of his life, he said “I didn’t even know that you went here and then I see Spaswell's mug on the jumbotron as the baptism poster child.”  
Hahahaha


I guess I should fill everyone in one my weekend with the girls in Blue Ridge. I figured I could wait a week since none of those hoochies even read my blog. Thanks guys, big preesh. When I showed up and I got bombarded with hugs as I climb out of my car. I have to get my suitcase so I have no choice but to pop my trunk and watch everyone’s face. They all just died laughing; it is quite a melting pot of pure randomness. Since they don't read the play by play, I am immediately escorted to the deck of the gorgeous cabin to start telling stories. Everyone had a topic in mind that they wanted the scoop on. I am not gonna lie, it’s not that often when people gather around for story time and I have the floor, so I ate it right up. I gave the people what they wanted and we had some good laughs. Crazy pants was the main topic for a while, he gave us a lot of material. Every now and then someone would talk in baby talk mocking him or someone would yell out “Garth Brooks built this house!!” He served his purpose. After a few POF stories, Amy wrote me a check for $20 to get off of POF and sign up for Match.com.

We stayed in this amazing cabin and had nonstop fun just hanging out. We played games, ate some really good food, sat in the hot tub and watched football. Amongst 7 girls, we had zero drama, is that even aloud?


I spent this entire weekend by myself; I went hiking yesterday, watch the GA game, went to church today and went hiking again. I guess it’s good to know that I have no problem hanging with myself, although I really need to stop talking to myself in public it’s becoming a problem. I also need to realize that no one can hear the music in my ears when I am running. There is no need to blurt out whatever racial slur is blaring in my ear at the moment, people get the wrong idea.

I am working on becoming aware of my surroundings. I was at the park last week, I ran up the back of the Parthenon which has a ton of stairs leading up to it on both sides. I run to the front of the building to the top of the steps, with Beyonce singing about singles ladies in my ear I had to break it down one time. I look down the steps and there are two photographers with their hand on their hip waiting for me to get out of their shot. Apparently there was an event going on inside and I was interrupting their shot of the building. Oopsy.

 
Ok back to watching Homeland, I am obsessed.

 

sometimes its ok to take your eye off the ball

Snail mail may be the best thing ever. Life moves way to fast but slows down just a little when you find a package or card that you didn’t expect in the mail. My fridge is covered with cards from my friends from Georgia, it’s so awesome. Why must I wait two weeks to go to the mailbox? I pulled out a package today from my good friend and Amber's mom, Kathy Goodwin. Somewhere along the line Kathy read between the lines that I am on the hunt for a boyfriend/husband/baby daddy/back scratcher. Intuition at its best I guess, some people just have a knack for seeing the forest for the trees.

I opened up the package and it’s this awesome card that spoke directly to me telling me to stop looking and a book/study guide/ journal titled Lady in Waiting, Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right.

HMMM this book may have actually been written specifically for me. I think it’s time I studied up on how not to give my number out to the guy who I thought winked at me but really just had something in his eye. Let's sit back and figure out what's what with my own self and see what kind of path I meander down. Both my parents and all of my advisors have mentioned that I need not apply such outrageous methods to finding happiness. Let’s be clear, I am not on the hunt to find happiness but the hunt for a man may be getting in the way of my happiness. Whoa I haven’t even read it yet and already I am learning stuff (or that may be a line out of one of Brandy’s speeches).

Happiness may just be built into God's plan for me and I should let him tell me what to do. I just opened the book and the first words that popped out were “how to be a lady of patience.” What? How does that work? Well I'm gonna find out. Hopefully this book/journal/study guide will help solidify what all my people have been telling me. Thanks Kathy, you're the best.

 

um, what?

Ok after the awesome concert, I pressed my luck and went to the Steeler/Titan's game with Crazy Pouty Pants. Not only did The Stees lose, I got to sit with a grown-ass man who sticks his bottom lip out while periodically talking in baby talk. NOOO!! This is all wrong! It’s not right! We need to stop and out adjust our thinking. Ok so I called him a "one upper" on the way into the game, so what and who cares, he is, end of story. Everything I say he has to say something better and doesn't even wait until I am finished with my sentence. Everyone knows I hate being interrupted, especially by a seemly straight guy, but now, even that is questionable.

We had amazing seats on the lower level in the end zone, what what!  This is the first time I have watched a game in this stadium, things are starting to look up as we make forward progress into being adults. Oh but wait, here comes the lip again, I made another comment, holy hell what have I done now? I told him I really liked the girl’s haircut in front of us and told him that that’s what I want to do to my hair. He got really quiet and just sat there with his arms crossed. I have no idea what could possibly be wrong with him so I just made friends with the people beside me and in front of me. The stadium was PACKED FULL of Steeler's fan (these people were not them) but they were fun and better than big lipped crazy pouty pants. You know the date isn't going good well when you secretly wish he would go to the bathroom and never return (I drove so it wouldn't have been a problem). I later found out that he was sulking over my comment about her hair and these were his exact words verbatim “I was upset because I thought that WE were going to discuss how YOU were going to get your hair cut and it would be a lot shorter than that."

WHAT?!! Holy craps! Hey Kennys, sound the alarm, we have a stage TEN!!!

I didn’t know what to say so I kept my trap shut on the way to the car and on the way to drop him off. I got out of the way of crazy train and I blocked him out my mind. I waited until the weekend was over so I wouldn’t have to spend it dodging his calls while in the mountains with my girls. I wanted to wait until I got back to tell him that no way in hell I was going anywhere near him again including the BMI Awards. I don't care if he asked me to host the damn show, if he is in the building than I am not. If the words “restraining order” cross my mind at any time during a date, I am to leave right then and there, that is the new rule.

When I told him I was not going with him to the awards and/or anywhere else, I expected all hell to break lose but it was a minor tantrum, comparatively speaking. He only texted me 9 times mostly saying that I was an immature, older looking, gold digging, waste of time who will live a long, lonely life and then said “goodbye forever”. Except that he just texted me twice after two days of silence telling me to please please never talk to him again (I shall do my best to respect his wishes).  I wish I could block his number but I can't (my new carrier from Wal-Mart, I think its Fisher Price doesn’t have that option).

 
The only good guy to surface from the depths of POF hell is Hank.

 

what? who?

See this is what happens when you are too busy to sit down and blog, I wrote all of this yesterday but my computer was acting up so I could not post it.  Now it’s the next day and some things have changed, but I am going to act like it is still yesterday.

I thought that the highlight of my day Wednesday was that a distant friend from college, Noelle, gave me props on my blog via Facebook......sorry girl you got trumped!

Crazy Pants (CP for short) took me to the Jerrod Neimann concert last night. I am trying to figure out the best part...meeting Jerrod or Lee Brice, I can't decide. During the 2nd act CP gets a text from Jerrod to come on the bus. Ok so I am now on the tour bus with the famous, just a typical Wednesday night. After I get introduced to Jerrod and all his people along with Colbie Caillat I had a little giggle to myself. I am thinking as I am listening to Jerrod talk, I hope we're not missing the show, wait a minute, this is the show! It was a wild and surreal moment. I immediately told CP who immediately told everyone, sweet I have officially introduced everyone to Spaswell.

Colbie Caillat (I googled her later to find out who she was) flew in from LA to sing a duet with Jerrod (I’m all about You written by CP). My elbows are a bit soar from rubbing them with the famous, hob knobbin with folks I don't typically run into on the reg was pretty cool. I cannot believe I forget my lipstick! I was fishing around for my makeup bag in my black hole purse and realized I forgot it at home along with my economy size can of White Rain arousal hair spray. I did however manage to have an old string cheese in the bottom of my purse just in case I got hungry.

The show was about to start and we head to our VIP seats. All I am gonna say is wow. During the amazing vocal contribution Jerrod allowed us to hear, I stood next to Lee Brice and got introduced half a million song writers I pretended to know about. Lee Brice is hilarious, just hanging out with some chic’s purse on his arm (I am guessing it’s the purse belongs to the girl that he sings about in his songs). He is chatting it up with a couple of dudes behind me when Jerrod starts to beckon him from the stage. He was like “hey Lee Brice where you at?”  Lee was too busy talking to hear him so I got to utter the coolest sentence ever. “Hey Lee Brice, Jerrod Neimann wants you one stage!” He promptly left his conversation and went on stage purse and all. Ok so now I am all of a sudden at an impromptu Lee Brice concert. This is actually blowing my mind a little; he sang all of his songs that he sings on the radio and the songs that wrote that other people sing on the radio.

Crazy Pants leans over and says to me that John Stone is here. My reaction, "Joss Stone, I love Joss Stone I am huge fan!" So later on in the night I turn around and CP introduces me to John Stone and tells him I am huge fan. AHH! I am now acting like I am huge fan of this John Stone person who I have never heard of, Joss and John sound a lotta like in a loud bar.

Well that wraps up that crazy night, but before I go I must make a Public Service Announcement. For those of you who enjoy reading my blog I thank you, for those of you who like giving me advice via the comment section of my blog I would like to send out the following memo:

My advisory board is fully staffed at the moment. Should a space open up, all new candidates will be subject to a very strict screening process as my best interest is at stake. Anyone who has been previously voted off of my dating roster by my current panel of advisers need not apply for this position. If this is confusing, please refer back to a previous post, I think I titled it  “Cray Cray Go Away”

That is all.

 am now going to act like a day hasn’t gone by; I will say that Crazy Pants is staying true to his name. I am going to the mountains for the weekend, I will tell you about last night when I return.

Crazy in love

I am not sure what is wrong with me but crazy pants has charmed his way into my life....just a little. I just read that post describing him and our date and I cannot believe I let him talk me into taking me to a couple of events. The first being tomorrow night for the Jarrod Neimann concert. This is the guys he writes most of his songs for and since I am a fan I decided that it would be cool to meet him. The second event I reluctantly agreed to but decided I would be a fool to pass up, The BMI Awards. He is going to receive an award for the songs I am going to hear tomorrow night. This is the CMA's for songwriters, all the famous people of Nashville will be there and I will be struttin down the Red Carpet and perhaps a little Step and Repeat at the end.

I am really hoping that the Goodwill has a good selection of ball gowns. I have to track down some formal evening attire and learn how to walk in heels so I can go rub elbows with Blake and Miranda, Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman and whoever else I can pretend to be cool around. It’s not until October 30th so I hope crazy pants dials it down a few notches in the meantime and we can have ourselves an awesome night.

 
Yesterday was my 1 year anniversary at my job; I got taken out to lunch and dinner for that matter. I got a very sweet card from the owner of the company and it was all in all a great day. Where in the heck that year went, I have no idea.

 
Speaking of anniversaries I think people who are married for 40 years deserve a little shout out. That’s 14,600 days of being with the same person day after day and night after night. That seems way too impossible to imagine. I love the idea and want that for myself one day, who knows maybe crazy people are my kind of people. These two people happen to be my kind of people. They are the kind of people you want to be around, laugh with, smile with and who accept one another for who they are in life. The kind of people that figured out how to spend almost a half of a century together without killing each other. They have been through every imaginable scenario two people can go through, the good, the bad and the ugly all while having each other’s back. These two wonderful people happen to be my parents. I am so thrilled to be a part of a small group of people whose parents are still together and for that I thank you. You pushed through some tough times but never broke your bond.  Thanks to that wonderful bond Ryan and I are not children of divorce or separation and I will always be grateful. You two are my inspiration on how to live a happy life with the person you love. Happy 40th Wedding Anniversary Mom and Dad, I love you.

 

Don't call it a come back!

Something is missing in my life, I have this feeling like I forgot something, which is a feeling I know entirely too well. I was trying to figure out why I all of a sudden felt a little blue and like I was on a deserted island or something. Then it dawned on me, I miss talking to you guys on the reg! I need an outlet and just because I may not have an insane moment to report everyday doesn't mean I can't write about nothing. So here it goes, I need to start writing about nothing again, kinda like Seinfeld, except with more run-on sentences.

I went to the dentist yesterday, it’s been um years since I’ve been and my teeth are not going to clean themselves. I have been paying for dental insurance for the past 8 months so I figure what the hell, let’s see that happens. Boy have they come a long way since I was last in. I got to sit in a heated massage chair and watch them take pictures of all my teeth. I have never had a cavity in all my 35 years so needless to say I was furious when they told me I had three. WHAT?!! I literally was sitting there fuming. My hormones are dancing through my body this week so it didn't take much for my mood to take sharp left. The dentist came in and told me what the stupid hygentish predicted, I have cavities. He asked me how I was doing, I told him I was pouting and he pretty much stopped that by sticking a sharp object in my mouth. They said they are very shallow and new. Great, that tells me one thing, my daily intake of mini Butterfingers, Snickers, Baby Ruths and M&M's shattered my perfect record. Stupid always full candy dish on receptionist desk! Sorry Mom and Dad all those years of sugar free gum and not keeping sweets in the house growing up didn't pay off in the long run. Oh well.

 
Then this used car salesman came in to explain the cost of everything and tried to sell me on teeth whitening. I was in no mood for sales pitches but she did not get that and pulled out all the stops. I felt like I was in the nail salon and the Asian lady tell me I need lip wax. I came to get my teeth cleaned and that is it, my teeth are a certain shade of off-white that I am fine with so leave me alone. I told her that since today was all about X-rays and examinations to make me an appointment to get whatever my insurance will cover and I will be one my way. So I now have to go back to get my teeth cleaned and after that we'll discuss possible fillings, one tooth at a time of course.

 

Well that's all I got, thanks for listening, it’s good to be back to my one sided conversation. I can't wait for Meredith to correct something that I sounded out that sounded correct at the time. Hind sight right girl? Oh and Sarah, sorry for ruining your morning routines, I will try not to let it happen again. Oh and Mom good luck on getting that chest port tomorrow, make sure they put that zipper on good and tight and install that alarm system (inside joke). Without jokes we got nothing!

 

Life is good and I intend to keep it that way! Until next time friends…..

 

material girl

I don't even know where to begin. I took for the team; I went against my own pledge for the sake of material. It’s clear that I have been running low on entertaining stuff to write about and needed to drum some up. Sarah suggested that I go live in my car again; in Hein site that suggestion would have been a lot better. I instead chose to go on a quick POF date. I haven't been on this site in forever but got on at lunchtime on Thursday. I had a date lined up by the time I got off work. This guy was seemingly normal over email and I agreed to meet him after work to have a bite to eat and possibly watch some football. He had me laughing in the first 30 seconds so I was pleasantly surprised. Then things started to turn a little coo coo. He is a famous country music writer. He has written hits for Garth Brooks and has at least one of his songs on the radio right now "What Do you Want from Me."

Of course he has my attention but then the red flags started to peek out from under his hat. He wanted me to be the ginny pig for his his realty show idea. The idea being two people meet on a blind date and spend the next 7 days together. Sure, that's a great idea. I am going along with this in the name of my blog. “Why stop there?” I asked him. Seven days doesn't seem long enough, we should do at least nine. He then raised the stakes to 30 days. By the end of the conversation I was moving in with him that night for the next 365 days(I pinky swore I would). This is really happening and he is dead serious. While I am going along with this perfectly normal idea he then tells me that he loves girls with really short hair. He thinks that I should let him shave my head and he would buy me wigs. I am now waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind the bar with a video camera in my face. Hell yea I say that is an awesome idea. I could be like Lil Kim and wear a different color wig every day, perfectly normal first date conversation.

Awesome, I have this guy who thinks I am this spontaneous and outrageous girl who is up for anything. I wanted material and I hit the jackpot! He kept saying that it was fate that we met. But then we actually got into a heated argument shortly after. He was going on and on about his music and I had had enough. I told him to stop shoving his music down my throat and I called him a name dropper. You would have thought I told him I hate his mother and then I ran over his dog. He went crazy and I had to get out of there.

I ended up not moving in with him and just went about my Friday like I do every week. But this Friday was a little different. Instead of never hearing from him again as expected, I got bombed with text messages from this lunatic. Text after text of how I broke my word on not moving in with him and how he likes me so much and that he can't wait to see me again. Holy crap, it was the tip of the crazy iceberg. I participated in the most ridiculous text convo you could ever imagine. I said I would meet him again so he would shut up. I told him that I first had to go to Brandy’s to watch the Georgia game but maybe we can hang out on Sunday.

I went to Brandy’s house and showed her the 66 texts that I got over the last 12 hours. It was the most insane display of lunacy I have ever been involved in and that’s saying a lot.

Brandy and I had a great time together as always. Many good laughs, some were at this guy's expense but he was a short lived story. That is until he kept texting me all night to make sure that I was still gonna meet with on Sunday. I just ignored him.

I actually did entertain the idea of meeting in a very public place with lots of witness to get more insane things to write about but I decided I had enough material. Not really feeling like getting tied up and stashed in his truck, I promptly cancelled. There was no way I could go through with it with a straight face. I texted him and told him I wasn't coming and he went BALISTIC! I now have 135 texts, 7 miss calls and a voicemail where I am pretty sure he was crying. "I like you so much Stephanie! I was so excited to see you! I know you like me! Please meet me! You broke your word and I still want to see you! I was going to ask you to be my date to the BMI awards! Just give me another chance! This could be something amazing! I know you miss me! Don’t you feel anything for me?! I was so excited about you! I have told everyone about you!!"


I responded with, “you are a little much for me; I am not interested in dating you, kindly respect my wishes and delete my number.”

 
He said he would but he hasn't and it’s been nonstop all day. He told me before I knew he was CRAY CRAY that the way he gets over girls (like his last ex-girlfriend) is he writes a song about them and then he is over her.  I wonder if I am going to hear a song about me on the radio soon.

 
Here's the first lyric:

You broke your word
You still have all you hair
You broke you word
You don't even care
You broke your word
You cancelled our date
You broke your word
I guess it wasn't fate

 

Whoa that’s pretty good! That just came out of nowhere, I had no idea I could write music!

 I am hoping it will die down by morning, but since he has texted me five times since I have been writing this post it may not happen.  He just texted again "Just come join me please, if I piss you off you can just leave, I am so sorry Stephanie I want to take you to the awards so bad"

Um where is the delete button on this POF profile? There has got to be better ways to gather material.

He doesn't know my last name thank goodness.

 

Beans Beans

Making fun of someone finally paid off! I was mocking this guy’s walk at work and it involved stomping around really hard. All of sudden bam, my ankle felt a hundred times better! It’s like I knocked it back into place! I got so excited I went to the park at lunch and did a little test run. After a few feet I felt like I could run again and I never wanted to stop. I went back to my desk all sweaty and went again after work. I'm alive! My knees were hurting but I just ignored them, who cares I am back! Before this happened I became obsessed with working out to the Fitness Channel OnDemand. It’s amazing, you can pick from 100 different workouts, so I have been body sculpting and I love it. Come November I am gonna be in tip top shape. More on why that’s important later, I don't wanna jinx it.

So I have decided I need to focus on chiseling my body and my new project, writing a book. I am not sure if you have noticed but my blogs are getting a little blah and I’m boring myself. I can't let this happen so I need to cut back to from semi-daily posts to once a week; we have a quality vs quantity situation. Carrie Bradshaw only had to put out a column once a week, so that’s what I am gonna do for a while. I have been dreaming of being on the Best Seller list and I need to see if I can make that happen. If freakin Snookie and Theresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey can write Best Sellers, um I think I have a shot.

I think Sundays will be a good day to write about the fact that I mailed myself a bill today. I do the books for both companies that I work for, AGC and Servpro. AGC hired Servpro to clean some carpets and I mailed out a check to me from me. Why was today the one day that Lori opened the mail?

Anyway, I want to ask everyone to give a shout-out to good ol JC for my Mama Lou. Her cancer is on the run again and she has got put up her dukes for another round in the Chemo ring. Give my Pops a couple of fist pumps in the air too as he carts Mom across the state of Georgia twice a week for the best cutting edge treatment they could find. We wanna keep this lady's juices flowin a little longer as she is pretty awesome.

I am going to go visit them this weekend before the treatment starts on Monday. I may steal some hand weights out of the gym in the basement so I can stop using corn meal and cans of soup to strengthen my biceps.

I have been eating my homemade bean soup all week cause I made enough to feed the entire building. I made up a new saying: beans beans good for your heart the more you eat them the more you’re the most disgusting human alive.  

On that note I think I’ll go watch Survivor.