Wednesday, May 25, 2016

today's dictionary

The definition of panic: the moment you realize you are in the family locker room at the gym after you take your shirt off

The definition of stupid: when you are driving down the highway and you hear a sound of what seems like a leak and its spewing everywhere under the hood. You finally get to an exit to jump out, pop the hood, freak out, and nothing. You get back in the car and realize its your economy sized aerosol hairspray can smashed against something in your middle console.

The definition of a lunatic: the moment your one-year-old is choking on something and your version of the Heimlich is to scream in the baby's face until she throws it up (it worked)

The definition of good luck: the day you knock on a homeowner's door and a bird pops up out of a nest located on the wreath. It scares the crap out of you and then you scare the crap out of it...all over your leg

The definition of ridiculous: an angry homeowner violating the English language by misusing and over using the word "hence"

The definition of a insanity: thinking that one day you will become sane.

All in all, a crazy couple of months HENCE me not blogging. I hope to start it up again starting now, at least once a month .....time will tell.


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

losing it!

I worry about myself I really do. In total I have spent $622 in lost key fees this year. I finally lost my 3rd and final set of keys on Friday. They are here at my house along with the other two sets, I drove here so they are here. I looked for the standard 3 days before finally giving in (only because I had to go to work ) and called the oh so powerful locksmith. I blame Jesse, he must me throwing them in the garbage or down a vent or eating them, I can't take it anymore and its too soon to joke about it, the sting still hurts from signing away my bonus to the creepy guy standing in my doorway holding a fresh new key. This happened Monday, today is Tuesday, the day I drove 30 minutes to the wrong neighborhood instead of driving 10 minutes to the correct neighborhood and now I can't find my wallet.

Ok, that is all for now, I must get some rest so I can wake up early and lose something while driving the wrong way.

Friday, February 5, 2016

awesome apple

OHMYGOSH! Wood and I had a small party last weekend for Jesse and my birthday. It 65 degrees, sunny and a great time had by all. What I just learned goes something like this.....I ventured to dress up a little and by dress up I mean jeans and high heels and by high heels I mean chunky 3 inch lace up ankle boots. This may be the first time I have ever worn elevated shoes in front of Wood (mostly because I've been pregnant ever since I've know him) and I never wear heels regardless. So on Saturday I strut outside and he just told me that he and Heather were watching and waiting for me to turn around to see if I had an Adam's Apple. Well screw them both! I definitely get that I am not exactly an expert in fashion or being a girly girl. I get that I have walked in heels maybe twice in my 39 years but geez give a sister a break. Apparently I look like a dude in heels, maybe I will call RuPaul for some tips. So after I laughed it off and pouted a little and swore off anything not flip floppy, Wood offered to buy me some stilettos of his choice to practice and a pedicure. Well alright lets do it, make me into a girl. I mean after I went back to Kroger today to pick up the groceries I left at the register the day before (imitation crab meat, string cheese and fish sticks) I deserve a break, a pedicure and a "how to be a girl starter kit" let the pointy shoe shopping begin!

Thursday, February 4, 2016

a couple of yanks and two presses

I think that there are two things that people should do at least once in their lives, wait tables and accidentally try to get into not your car. I've done both and both have taken other people by surprise. I used to take a food order of a 6 top without writing it down and not miss a beat or a side, I have also tried to unlock and get into other people's cars while they watched. Usually when I am done with an appointment,I walk out of a homeowner's home, try to get the hell out of there before they notice that their shutters are falling off and sometimes I mistake a white Acura for a white Camry, it happens. I love it when the owner of the car is just watching to see what happens. "Not my car!" I say. "Don't tell anyone!" I yell. This actually happened today and a few months ago at my last job. I had a rental (for one reason or another) and my co-worker literally had the same exact car. I walk outside of the construction trailer, another co-worker is behind me and I am on the phone. I grab my keys out of my pocket and proceed to click the button several times while yanking on the handle several times and nothing is happening except for the car directly behind me is blinking on and off diligently. After another few presses and a couple more yanks, my co-workers yells out, that's not your car Baswell! I turn around and he is doubled over laughing and I yell "don't tell anyone!" Well he didn't listen and this guy not knowing my nickname calls me Spazwell, he just guessed my name after spending two days with me. I have actually done this in a Target parking lot as I pointed my remote at a trunk of the car and the one in back of my opens up. This must be a common problem, I think everyone does it from time to time, yes they do yes they do.

Monday, January 25, 2016

hocus focus

Well its official I had to enter my age into the elliptical at the gym this morning and it hit me that I have exactly 364 days left in my 30s. This year I'm gonna focus on being focused and my tunnel vision is gonna narrow in on my one goal...don't turn 40 fat. Last year I had a child, got married, got a new job, had a birthday for a one-year-old and I washed my car. My only goal this year is to get back into the jeans that once fell off of me. I just want to button them, oh and look smoking hot in a bathing suit. If I can accomplish that one thing I will feel complete. Actually I should probably also change my name at some point. I've been married for 6 months and I am still a Baswell. This is a huge undertaking that is intimidating the crap out of me. Going to the DMV, the Social Security Office, calling the bank, the gym, my HR office, changing my Facebook, my email, my credit card, my car, all my bills, and any other sucker who knows my name is gonna suck!

 I am not sure if its my age but my ADD is getting really bad, really really bad. I seriously almost left the bathroom today mid-stream because my brain literally was ready to change tasks. It was at that moment I realized I needed help. If there is anything in this world I need to focus on long enough to complete without starting a new project, its any bathroom transaction. I literally just sent Jesse to get a book out of his room and he came out empty handed like he forgot what he was doing, oh crap, its contagious. I reminded him he was supposed to get a book, he went back in there and came out with a huge truck in his arms. The struggle is real.

Toddler problems are real, Jesse threw a fit the other day because he realized that the TV screen is not a touch screen and he can't just pick a cartoon with his finger tip. I used to through a fit when the aluminum fell off the rabbit ears. These times, they are a changin.

Ok I must go to bed and dream about Adderol, maybe then I will wake up ready to complete thought in a timely manner.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

add water, rinse and repeat

I've got some material ready to roll...but I'm saving it for later. Right now I must concentrate on 39 years ago. Something shifted 39 years ago today, a girl was born and I have no idea how to spell her last name. We like her, she is good people, she shows up, she has her uniforms (that one outfit that looks great that she can wear 5 days a week and no one would ever know since she is never in the same spot for more that 5 seconds). She is the person who still knows how to place a stamp on an envelope. She's the girl who would trade everything thing she's ever worked for in her life for one day with her family. She has it all and has no idea because she is blinded by happiness. She will buy a brand new BMW the same day she created more shampoo by adding water to the bottom of the bottle. In our world, silence is the sound of laughter, the sound you make when you can't breathe. Talking to her is my happy place. Happy Birthday Sarah D. I am so glad I know you.


Sunday, January 17, 2016

expectations suck

One of the neighborhoods that I work out of is called Fairvue Plantation, it used be an actual plantation back in the day. One of the ladies found this out from a brief conversation we had after our body sculpting class. She is a 67-year-old white lady who is a huge advocate of black history, specifically slavery. She now thinks that I share her passion to spread slave awareness and share her thirst for historical knowledge because I happen to work out of this neighborhood. After each class, the close talker tells me the tales of the slave traders about an inch away from my face and I just nod and smile. I get to hear about the top slave traders and where they got the best deal and the most bang for their buck. Sure she can throw some historical facts in my brain and see what sticks but I definitely don't picture myself hunkering down to read the 30 page article she printed out for me to read. I'll probably read it just because it wouldn't hurt to read something...anything.

It was girl's night out for this working mom on Friday night! When my newly single wild friend designated her Friday night to me, I was like oh hell yes we are about to get crazy! She is only 30- years-old and so much fun. She has a one bedroom apartment in downtown Nashville after an 8 year relationship and its all I can do to contain my excitement for her and her new life. She should be excited about some good times comin up, doin it on her own and I really hope she has the same insane ride I did.

I got to her apartment, we cought up on the latest gossip and we head out to the trendiest Mexican restaurant in town. After a couple of margaritas and some dinner, she was ready to head to the barn. WHAT?! NOOOOOOO!!! She had to work in the morning and I have Wood at home watching the kids. I am like ready to star in a "Moms Gone Wild" video and we are going home? I have been storing up hall passes in my back pocket for the past year and we are going home?  Dangit that's what I get for having expectations for blog material. I got home and Wood even looked disappointed for me. I had taken the car seats out, had packed a bag but was home for the 11 o'clock news. Wood said I smelled like a dude. I had put Jamie's perfume on after I doused myself with her hair thickener, I love it when they disguise hair products in perfume bottles.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

I drive a magnet

So apparently driving in reverse on a public street is not a permitted, not a good idea and pretty much frowned upon. I may or may not have missed the entrance of a building and decided a quick little reverse wouldn't hurt anyone, except for my car and except for the car comin in hot from the side. This lady jumped out of her mini van ready to fight!  Lighten up lady, it was your choice to drive near me. I was moments away from fleeing the scene as visions of dollar signs danced in my head so I called Brandy to weigh my options while the mean lady called the cops. No one had seen my license plate yet and if Jesse wasn't in the car with me and we weren't trying to pull into the Children's Hospital to see the kidney specialist (just a routine check up) I would have split. Brandy talked me out of it with some sort of felony nonsense. My car is all jacked up, that should be punishment enough.

 I told the cop I had to get to a very important appointment, he took my license and said he would come find me on the 4th floor. Jesse and I head into the humongous hospital and road the elevator up to see Dr. Adams. We finally get to the room, check in and settle in for the usual waiting game. Next thing I know, the police are there and I am being questioned in front of everyone with a two-year-old on my hip who has a mullet. All of a sudden the door opens and the mean lady walks in, holy crap, is she stalking me? Nope, there are like 50 floors and 1000 offices and she happens to be on my floor...awkward!  It took forever for the Sargent to complete all of his paperwork since everything I gave him had expired. The nurse finally called my name and I told her I would be right with her right after I got done discussing my criminal behavior.

I think I need to take my car in to see if it is in fact a large magnet, some how it has been hit 4 times this year and mostly not my fault. That damn tree limb that flew out the back of a huge truck and hit me while doin 80 down the highway, not my fault. My GPS sent me down the wrong road ,I was forced to turn around and hit that damn mailbox, not my fault. This lady at work backed all up on my front bumper, not my fault. I did hit one of my homeowner's garage doors, totally my fault.
Today, totally my fault. Oh well you win some and hit some.


Sunday, January 10, 2016

One sense too many

Great just great.....Jesse is seeing ghosts. This is a problem. He woke up in the middle of the night yelling for me, I took him in the living room and we sat on the couch, he looked over and told me a ghost was sitting next to us on the couch and he was a man. Holy creepy we are not excited about this, I stay far away from any paranormal related topics. I don't watch ghost shows and I don't listen to the Bert Show during the week of Halloween because they talk about ghosts and ghost hunters all week. Can kids see what we can't? Am I going to have to watch the Sixth Sense today to see how to handle this situation? I am not sure how credible a witness Jesse is since he just pooped in the tub so we are gonna just ignore his ghosts sightings for now.

The main part of my job is fixing anything still under warranty in people homes which is basically everything for the first year. I am like the lost luggage lady at the airport, I did not lose their luggage nor did I build their home but they gotta yell at someone. Most people would not do well at this job I try to look at it like I get to swoop in on my white Camry and be the hero so I don't mind it. I was over at this house on Friday listening to this couple complain about every inch of their brand new house on the lake, poor babies. This lady was bossing her poor husband around the whole time, "show her this Matt, cross things off the list as you go Matt, open the door Matt!" Haha Doormatt, I so wanted to call him that for the rest of the appointment. People with money kill me, just be happy you get to have this gorgeous roof over your head with built-in bathroom floor heaters and zip it! But without them I would have no job. I should have lots of good material to report and just pray no one figures out I have a blog and that they are on blast. This one lady refuses to let me fix the chip in her granite island until I allow her to pour boiling water over a glob of the epoxy we plan to use to see if it "breaks down." Um what? Are you planning water boarding your counter top with boiling water on the regular? I have tons of stories from my last job as well, on my last day I witnessed one of the builders threaten the life of one of our painters. He told him he wanted to drag him outside, beat him and let him bleed out. This guy is fresh out of the military and has some small anger issues mixed with psychotic tendencies so I was pretty happy about it being my last day. They didn't even fire him, apparently death threats are not grounds for immediate dismissal.

Ok time for me to go watch the Channing Tatum lip sinc competition for the 5th time. Until next time...


Thursday, January 7, 2016

its all about routine

SO when I said in tune in tomorrow I meant the next time my brain is somewhat active, this is me not committing to the day to day blog (but I will try).

 I just got done washing 4 pans, our microwave broke the other day, so I am having to live like a cave man and heat up stuff in pans on this thing they call a stove. Me no likey but I am embracing the simplicity of the olden days. My days are way different then they used to be, I have so much to catch ya'll up on, I'm not quite sure where to begin. Lets start with my job, I got a new job (we are all shocked) it started in November after working for a home builder for the past year and a half I went to another builder and my life has improved! I am no longer 1 hour from work I now have the office 5 minutes down the road and I mostly work out of my house! I have an office in my bedroom and I gotta say its not easy. I thought it would be so awesome, but there are a lotta distractions and well I may need some supervision. I have gotten a lot better at it, I ignore the all the voices, TV...watch me, laundry.. fold me, shiny ball... look at me. I've gotten a lot better at being a house work horse, mostly because I don't want to lose this gig and the homeowners are getting demanding. I am over 5 neighborhoods, I  do all the inspections and fix all the problems. I've only been here a month and a half and yesterday they gave me a bonus, wahoo! Microwave what? New car seat what? The days of blowing it on myself are long gone. Sunny is only 9 months and has already outgrown her car seat. Her dad is 6' 6"and I keep picturing this amazon lady taking over the world one day. She just started crawling which means she is never where I left her which means one more thing to keep track of, is there a "find my baby" app?

Well that is all for today, I must get up early for my geriatric yoga class. I like to surround with myself with the elderly at the gym, it makes me feel good about myself, except when they school me on some push-ups. I did manage to get a 5 day a week workout routine under my belt, so that's awesome. I am so tired of my belly looking like a butt when I bend over and I really hate that I am currently wearing maternity leggings, well actually they are not so bad. I am gonna be skinny again damnit, maybe not skinny but definitely not fat.

Monday, January 4, 2016

defrost time (taking the blog off ice)

What UP! I am back, I think, I'm gonna give it a whirl any way...I figure that me spreading diaper rash cream all over my legs earlier was worthy of starting this puppy up again and throwing some suspect parenting moments out into the universe. We can start with my patience, it could use some work (all my patience are spoken for and on reserve for the moments when I am face to face with a 9 month old and a 2 year old)  so when I go in to Baby's R US to pick up some sunglasses for Jesse on his 2nd birthday I could of easily caused a scene. During minute 13 of my line standing activity I am watching the cashier wonder around aimlessly looking for a price tag she could use for the tub that the lady in front of me wanted to buy. By minute 15, I decided not to verbalize my distaste for standing there like an idiot, I slapped $5 on the counter for my $3.99 glasses and walked out like a boss. Wood didn't really seem all that impressed so I told the neighbor my story and she was like "good for you for laying the price tag on the counter with some money, nothing wrong with that!" Um I didn't think to leave the price tag behind. Long story short, I straight up stole my son's birthday present. I am itching like a maniac, I have a rash that has gone viral on my legs and I can't take it anymore, I am gonna go figure out what to do besides scratch the crap out of them, Tune in tomorrow and we can go over more questionable antics.


(be patient my mo-jo is still a little rusty)