It started by me sending a pic of the new guy I started
talking to today and the captions said “meet my new boyfriend” and he’s at a
pool.
Me: He just moved here from Buckhead and he is a GA fan…he is funny..so far
B: Wait have you met him in person? Is that your pool?
Me: No he just sent that to me…we started talking about an
hour ago…we’ve already talked on the phone, I need to find out if he sounds
like a valley girl sooner than later. We were talking about the GA/Fla game and
I asked if it was in GA or FLA this year. I’m such an idiot. We had a good
laugh.
B: I don’t get it
Me: It’s always in Florida
B: Oh. I didn’t know that. I’ve never noticed that. That’s F’d
up. I’m starting a revolution.
Me: It’s in Jacksonville..Neutral territory…its tradition…it’s
all good girl..no one is mad about it
B: Oh good cause I am tired and a revolution is more that I’m
ready for
(Insert random texts from new guy )
New guy: Oh honey I
was so enjoying our conversation! Ur so easy to talk to! I really like that!
Have I mentioned how beautiful you are!
New guy: U r a sweet heart babe! I’m sweet and treat woman
very well! I was raised by my momma so I only know one way to treat a woman and
that’s good. Not a sweet talker just genuinely beautiful
New guy: I will treat you better than any man had ever
thought about treating you! Muah! Muah!
New guy: I’m gonna call you and play you a song on ur
voicemail! Don’t answer. Please respond to tell me u won’t answer but I want to
call you after u hear the song beautiful.
Me: holy crap ok
New guy: Ok well tell me if you could hear it or not babe.
(I call him to tell him I heard it and that I have to go and
then I realized he was drunk and wouldn’t let me off the phone so I nicely hung
up)
New guy: I’m sorry if I upset you hunny! I would have to say
ur the most amazing woman I’ve met on here! I really wanna meet you beautiful!
Please gorgeous! Ur amazing! MUAH!
New guy: Please respond honey or did I screw this up?
Me: OMG you are gonna feel silly when you sober up
New guy: Im sorry hunny I just don’t want to ruin this! U
seem like a very wonderful woman! I didn’t want to get off the phone with you
yet babe!
New guy: you can kick my ass later please! Im so sorry
beautiful sweet dreams gorgeous!!
New guy: Im sorry Baby! Please forgive me!
Me: dude chill!! I am not sure why you are spazing out
New guy: K ur right I’m gonna feel silly tomorrow sweet
dreams beautiful!! I am so sorry Stephanie
New guy: Please forgive me babe please!!
The End. Then I forwarded a couple messages to Brandy:
Brandy: O.M.G
Me: I miss “Red Flag Same Shirt”
Brandy: His red flag is draped around him like a superhero.
You officially have the worst taste in men
Me: He told me on the phone he wanted to take me on a date
when he gets paid on the 25th
Brandy: Flag 1 if he’s broker than you than just eat peas
alone and you won’t have to shave your legs. ..Flag 2: Drunk on Thursday ..Flag
3: drunk dialing on day 1.. Flag 4: he’s from Buckhead
Me: Did I mention that he is a 33-year-old full time student
and hanging out with his under age classmates he carpools with, I was overlooking it
cause he just got out of the army and they are paying for his school.
Brandy: See what happens when you overlook things? I have
taken showers that last longer than your relationships
Brandy: maybe the screening process for giving out your
number should be a little more in depth
Me: maybe….or maybe I just give them your number and you
screen them…we could make you a checklist
B: Don’t u dare send your crazies here.
B: you may have to block him. Shall we call him Captain Apology
or drunken stalker?
Me: Apologetic stalker. Stage 5
Me: later we’ll come up with the lyrics to my theme song “Ode
to a Red Flag”
B: Jeff Foxworthy is making a CD inspired by your love life”
You Might a Red Flad if ____”
Me: Ha! There will be enough songs for a Greatest Hits Album
Me: These are the days of our lives
B: Not ours. Yours. I’m fine with talking to myself and
petting one of the cats
Me:Well ok then go light a candle and rock yourself to sleep
while I line up another song for Jeff Foxworthy
B: ok. I’m gonna watch the Real L World and figure out a way
to slow your roll
Me: but I don’t wanna be a lesbian
B: I’m not looking for your next love interest. I’m just
getting away from straight couples for an hour. Because even lesbians aren’t as
crazy as your boyfriends
Me: and that is the sad truth
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